Fakegate or A Bleak Leak From Gleick

Jan 13 2012

(Peter Gleick in his office)

Gleick: What idiots!! What morons!! HOW can you have a dialogue with people like this? HOW can you REASON with people who DON'T KNOW ANYTHING?  Idiots.  Morons.

(Rob walks in)

Rob: Whoa there, boss.  It’s Taylor again, isn't it?  What did he do this time?

Gleick: (Calming down) You are not going to believe this. Those assholes at Heartland are trying to get me to be their “entertainment” at some stupid convention they’re having.  Can you believe it? They actually think climate change is funny! Will they be laughing when the last polar bear floats away on an iceberg? What idiots!

Rob: They want you to be their entertainment?

Gleick: Aaahh, they say they want me to “debate” that idiot Taylor. HOW DO THEY EXPECT ME (picks up his MacArthur Genius Award) TO DEBATE SOMEONE WHO KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT CLIMATE SCIENCE??  HOW?? WHAT IDIOTS!!  This Taylor guy is a paid liar. That’s all. I’ll debate a climate scientist any day of the week.  Just name the time and place. But debating someone who DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT is a complete waste of time!!

Rob: So what did you tell them?

Gleick:  It really fricken burns me up.  They try to come across all polite and everything.  What do you think I told them?  I told them to fuck off, of course.  OK, I haven’t replied just yet.  

(Pause)  

Rob: What?

Gleick: Hmmm.  You know something?  I think this might actually be an opportunity. Yes…. Yes. Those idiots at Heartland have absolutely no idea who they are screwing with.  Especially that Taylor guy.  He’s the biggest idiot of all.  You can’t debate a guy like that.  It’s a complete waste of time. There is a consensus on climate change.  A CON-SEN-SUS! End of story. But his head is too fricken thick to get it. He keeps talking about all these meaningless articles from people no ones’s ever heard of.  I don’t even bother reading them.  No one does.  What an idiot.

Rob: You’re right, boss.  You can’t even talk to these guys. Sounds like you have some kind of plan though….

Gleick: (Chuckle) Well, let’s just wait and see what happens.  First, there’s NO WAY I’m going to be someone’s “entertainment”.   But listen, I've been trying like crazy to get Heartland to release their list of donors.  We release the name of every single one of our donors, right?  It’s called transparency, right?  If the deniers at Heartland won’t listen to reason then maybe someone should contact their donors and talk sense to them, right?  Heheheheh.  

Feb 13 2012

Rob: So what happened, boss?

Gleick: Heheheheh.  Well, just like I predicted, the idiots won't release their donor list.

Rob: What did they say?

Gleick: Aahhh, the usual crap about how they’re all worried that their donors would start getting harassed. Why would they even think that?  No one has ever harassed our donors, right?  What babies.  And big deal if douche bags like the Koch brothers have to answer a few questions. Serves them right.

Rob: So, that’s the end of it?

Gleick:  Hehehehheheh. The end of it? Au contraire mon ami.  This is just the beginning.  Mmmmph, chuckle. HAHAHAHA.  You just watch and see what happens next.  Those liars at Heartlessland should never have tried to make me their entertainment.  They have absolutely no idea that they have just screwed themselves. 

(Gleick starts to feverishly type out an e-mail)

Feb 6 2012

Gleick: (to himself) it was so easy.  So, so, easy.  The credulous idiots sent me everything I asked for.  All I had to do was pretend to be a Heartland board member.  HAHAHA.  They didn't even check anything.  The idiots.  And now I have all their confidential board documents in nice neat PDF files!  All their plans.  Their schemes.  And best of all – I HAVE THEIR SECRET DONOR LIST!! Gleick, you genius!  You've DONE IT!

Hmmm.  But now I guess I should read all this stuff.  Might take all day.  There’s quite a lot of stuff.  Why do they have to make all these documents so long?  Who has time to wade through all this bullshit? 

(Gleick starts to read the files)

Holy shit! Look at this!  What assholes.  They’re going to target grade-schoolers with their anti science horseshit.  I can’t believe this.  And it’s all going to be funded by the Koch brothers!  I knew it!  This is gold.  And look at this! It’s all here.  They want to shut down all debate. The fuckers must realize that my Forbes blog makes too much sense.  They want to shut me out!  They think that if they just yell loud enough over and over that people will start to believe their crap!  Well it doesn't work that way!  When will these assholes realize that the SCIENCE IS SETTLED!! SETTLED!! SE – TTLED!!

(Calms down)

Heheheheheh.  Mmmph.  Chortle. Heheheheheh.  I've got it.  I know exactly what I have to do.

(Starts to frantically type something)

Feb 14 2012

(Rob walks into Gleick’s office)

Rob: Boy, I've never seen you so happy.  I guess you've seen what that Heartland Insider guy sent around to everyone.  Looks like Heartland is finally screwed.  Did you see all the stuff that got sent?

Gleick: Mmmph, chortle.  Yeah, you could say that.  Chortle.

It’s karma, my friend.  When you act like a bunch of lying assholes, this is what happens to you.  It’s over for them. Over.  They’re done.  All their schemes, all their secret plans and best of all, their list of secret donors is finally revealed to the world.  They’re done.  And it couldn't happen to a more deserving bunch.  Maybe next time they’ll decide to believe the science.  What is wrong with them anyway? 97% of scientists are with us.  

Rob: 97%.  Wow.

Gleick: It’s actually closer to 98% but it’s better to go with the 97%.  We don’t want anyone to get the idea we’re overstating things.

Rob: Makes sense

Gleick: That Heartland Insider is a hero.  Plain and simple.  A HERO.  Look at this. 

Two days later

(Lawyer in expensive suit enters Gleick’s office.  He gets right to the point.)

Lawyer: OK, you’re going to have to resign and release a statement that you are the “Heartland Insider” and that you obtained the documents from Heartland through illicit means.

Gleick: (SPLUTTER) What are you talking about?  Are you fucking crazy? I didn't do any of those things.  I CAN’T believe you’re going to listen to those Internet loonies.  There is NOT A SHRED OF EVIDENCE that I did any of that stuff.  NOT A FUCKING SHRED! SO FUCK YOU! Yeah, that’s right.  FUCK YOU!

Lawyer:  Listen to me carefully, Gleick, and try to follow along. I’m only going to say this once.  Personally I don’t care about any of this climate change crap.  I don’t care if the Maldives disappear.  I don’t care if Manhattan disappears under 1000 feet of water.  I don’t even care if the entire continent of Antarctica melts and the whole goddamn world gets flooded.  I only care about one thing.  And that “one thing” is making absolutely sure that this organization does not suffer any adverse consequences from any of your screw ups.

Gleick: Now, waitaminnit…

Lawyer: You set up a Gmail account, impersonated a Heartland Board member, obtained confidential documents, wrote your own Heartland "Strategy" document and  publicly disseminated the whole thing.

Gleick:  Let ME be clear. There is no proof whatso-

Lawyer: Just trace the IP address of the e-mails back to the originating computer.

Gleick:  AHA! Gmail doesn't include the original IP address on the e-mail!  I set, I mean The Heartland Insider guy set up a Gmail account so it’s impossible to trace anything.  Let me explain to you -

Lawyer:  The Gmail server keeps a log of all access so there absolutely is a record of the originating computer. It’s just not included in the e-mail.

Gleick: ...

Lawyer: All someone has to do is search all these computers and match the IP address...

Gleick: Ha! They can search our computers till their faces turn blue.  They want to search the computers?  Fine! Let them search the compu-

Lawyer: They’ll also search personal laptops.

Gleick: ...

Lawyer: And the forged “Strategy" document might as well have your picture and signature on it.

Gleick: uh...

Lawyer: You say you got it in the mail?  Did you keep the envelope it came in? No, you didn't.  And, we've done an analysis of the PDF metadata just like the rest of the world already has.  Time stamped Pacific time. Heartland is in Chicago.  Used an Epson scanner, like that one over there,  Also, an OCR analysis.  A Zipf review. Shows whoever wrote it doesn't know how to use commas or brackets.  Uses odd wording. Do you know anyone else around here who doesn't know how to use commas or brackets and uses odd wording?  

Gleick: ....

Lawyer: And this “Strategy" document doesn't even include any strategy.  No letterhead.  No signatory. Nothing.  Just a rehash of details from the actual confidential files.  The only original thing -  it mentions you – Peter Gleick – as the notorious scourge of Heartland.

Gleick:  HA! That’s what I mean.  I couldn't have written it.  There’s no way I'd be dumb enough to use my own name in a document that I was making up!

Lawyer: ...

Gleick: ... right?

Lawyer:  Uh, yeah.  

Now listen to me. We're talking identity theft. Fraud. Forgery. Defamation. Document theft. The list goes on. If all this sticks, you are in some serious trouble. So this is what we’re going to do. We’ll use a “Limited Hangout” approach.  You’ll come clean on stealing the documents.  We've already prepared a press release.  We say the usual stuff about you getting frustrated with Heartland and the only thing you wanted to do was to have an honest dialogue.  We’ll do an internal review saying that everything in the press release has been verified. We won’t mention anything about the Strategy Document. Limited Hangout.  You’ll be reinstated in six months. We’ll get some big names to say how happy they are that you've been fully exonerated. We may have a little trouble getting you reinstated as the chairman of the AGU's task force on ethics though.

Anyway, in six months, with any luck, this whole thing will have blown over.  I've already been in touch with Heartland and advised them that if they have any ideas about launching a civil suit against you we’ll subpoena every e-mail from each and every one of their donors for the last 20 years.  And there’s no way any district attorney in Illinois or California will take any action against a group like us especially against a group like Heartland.  So we don’t need to worry about that.

Gleick:  I’d like to write the press release.

Lawyer:  Pardon? 

Gleick:  I’d like to write the press release.

Lawyer:  (Grimaces) I’m done here. You’re not writing anything.  You write the press release and this whole thing blows up in our face.  Don’t say anything to anybody at anytime for any reason about any of this. You're not even thinking of putting out your own press release, I hope. Let me repeat: Don't do anything.  Don't say anything.  Got it?  If you get any bright ideas about anything, anything at all, do us all a favor and DON'T DO ANYTHING!  Let me handle this. 

Feb 20 2012

(Rob walk into Gleick’s office)

Rob: You’re a genius, boss.  At first I couldn't believe you were the Heartland insider.  No one could.  No one saw it coming at all.   But this sting operation you pulled on Heartland has made you a hero.  Give them a taste of their own medicine.  You gotta fight fire with fire.  We’ll miss you around here but they tell me you’ll be back pretty soon. You've done it!  Heartland has been exposed once and for all.

Gleick:  Um, yes.  Things seem to working out great. Admitting to being the HeartlandInsider was part of the plan all along. 

Um, by the way, can you do me a favor?  Can you toss my scanner and laptop and some of this other junk into the garbage?  I've ordered all new stuff.

Rob: Sure no problem.  I’ll leave it by the elevator so the guy will take it.

Gleick: No! Don’t do that!  I don’t want anyone to know I’m getting new stuff. You know how it is.  Then everyone will want new stuff. Take everything to the dumpster by the construction site near where you live.

Rob: ...

Gleick: And make sure no one sees you. Right?  No need to do anything stupid.

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