Sept 28 2013
The IPCC has just released its much anticipated “Fifth
Assessment Report Summary for Policy Makers”.
An emergency meeting of the IPCC Board of Directors has been
called.
Watson: (sigh)
Well, I can’t really say I’m surprised.
Sometimes I wonder what more we can do?
Maybe we should all just go on strike.
(He drops an enormous tome onto the conference room
table. It lands with a loud thud, shakes
the table, tipping over the coffee cups.)
Watson: Here it
is, gentlemen. "The Summary for Policy Makers". Over 2000 pages of iron-clad, rock-solid, incontrovertible
evidence that proves Climate Change is for real. And, if we don’t do something
about Climate Change now, and I mean right now, well, I don’t have to tell any
of you what will happen.
Higgans: No, you
certainly don’t. The dire consequences
have all been listed out on pages 350 to 1214.
And, remember, this is just the summary.
Wait until the full report comes out.
Watson: My point
exactly, Higgans. 2,000 pages. Over 400 graphs. 800 eminent climate scientists, every single
word meticulously peer-reviewed –
Jacobs: Yes, I
personally reviewed all of Bimmelman’s stuff –
Bimmelman: And I
reviewed all of Jacobs’ stuff. And, I
must say, it was all excellent.
Watson: That’s
what I mean. So, after all this, what
happens? The denialists ignore 1,999 and
half pages and jump all over one paragraph on page 1,843. Something about a pause. A warming pause.
Higgans: Yeah,
what’s that about anyway? How did that
get in there?
Watson: At this
point it doesn't matter. It doesn't
matter how it got in there. What’s done
is done. And, right on cue, the denialists are making a huge deal about this.
We need to get everyone back on message.
Back on to the vital 1,999 and a half pages. What we CANNOT do, and what we absolutely will
NOT do, is even acknowledge the warming pause or whatever the hell they’re
talking about. If we even so much as address
this crazy notion of theirs, the denialists will start acting even more crazy
like there’re two sides to this! And
there aren't two sides. There’s only one
side. OUR side. The science is settled.
Higgans: It sure
is.
Bimmelman:You can
say that again.
Jacobs: Amen,
brother.
Smathers: Yeah,
how settled can something get?
Watson: So, that
is why I have called you all here. I
need ideas, gentlemen. Good ideas. We
need to sharpen our message so that the public can easily understand what we’re
saying. We need to get public opinion
off of this pause stuff and back on us!
Bimmelman: I
might have something. Something we can
include in next months Recap of the Summary.
I've been working on this for almost two years. My grants almost used up but luckily I’m
almost finished. And this is absolute gold. The denialists think that pouring all this
carbon into the atmosphere doesn't do anything? Well, how about a city where
the average temperature has TRIPLED, yes tripled, in only the last 20 years.
Talk about Global Warming.
Jacobs:
What? You cannot be serious. Is this true?
Bimmelman: I
have everything right here. I've been closely studying a city in southwest Iceland for the
past year, Stykkisholmur. 20 years ago
the average year round temperature was 1 degree centigrade. Well, how about this? Last year, I personally took the temperature
every single day at exactly twelve noon, usually when I’m coming home from my
daily visit to the Hot Spring. And you
know what I discovered? The average
temperature is now 3 degrees centigrade. The temperature has tripled! Can you imagine what will happen when the
temperature in Los Angeles triples? What will the denialists say
then?
(silence)
Watson: I don’t quite know what to say to that,
Bimmelman. Except….. Congratulations! You've just earned yourself
the feature article in next month’s Summary Recap. Good work!
Any other good ideas? Anyone? You. Higgans.
Higgans: Well,
you know how last time we said we were 97% sure that Global Warming was for
real and that humans are to blame? And that this time we’re even more
sure – 98%. Well, I propose that for
next months key Summary Recap we show how we’re even more surer now. We bump it up to 99% certainty. And then for next years BI-Annual Interim
Report we go up to ----
Smathers: Hold
on. Wait a minute. We need to be careful
here. I can’t listen to this without
saying something. We don’t want to look
ridiculous. Are we serious scientists or
not? We need to report on exactly where the science leads us.
Watson: You mean?
Smathers:
Exactly. Let’s not equivocate here. For next months Summary Recap lets just be
right up front and go with our guts – 100% certainty!!
Watson: Hear, hear! Excellent suggestion,
Smathers. I think you've just come up
with the theme for next months report.
100% certainty!
Jacobs: I've been working on a graph to take the
place of the Hockey stick graph.
Higgans: Gasp. You’re kidding? That hockey stick is a work of genius. I mean, even the lamest of lamebrains can see
how the temperature was flat for a really long time and then quickly moves up
when we start pumping all this carbon into the atmosphere. It’s brilliant.
Jacobs: But there’s one problem. The blade of the hockey stick is too
gradual. It’s taking too long to get
really hot. If you go by the hockey
stick it might be another 10 years before we see the real serious flooding, Who can wait that long? Look, my Dad was an architect. So instead of a hockey stick, I used one of
his tri squares and re-worked the graph completely. It’s flat for a long time
and then at the year 2015 it goes straight up at a 90 degree angle! The temperature
goes straight up! Voila, we’re all toast.
Watson:
Beautiful. That will be on the front
page of all our upcoming press releases. Bimmelman?
Bimmeleman: You know how the denialists keep saying that
even though there’s way more carbon in the atmosphere, the world isn't getting
any hotter?
Jacobs: Yeah…
Bimmeleman: Well,
I've been working on a theory that just proves how dumb they all are. And all I need is to get another grant and
I’m positive I can make all those idiots eat their words once and for all.
Watson: Go on.
What’s the theory?
Bimmeleman: Its
simplicity itself. Like all great
theories are. It goes like this. The climate has been so screwed up by all the
carbon that some places are getting hotter but some places are getting colder! Some places are getting more rain. And some places getting less! You see where this is going?? It all cancels out. On average
nothing has been changing lately!! Just
like the denialists keep saying. But the
absence of change is actually the greatest of all proof that climate change is happening
like crazy. If nothing is happening that’s actually more
evidence that climate change is realer than ever.
Watson: Wow.
Just wow. So, if the temperature is staying the same that’s actually the
strongest evidence of all that Climate Change is happening right before our
eyes! I’ll get you that grant,
Bimmelman. And with this theory of yours
you might just be out next Michael Mann.
Well done.
Smathers: Remember how we said that it would never snow
in England
again?
Jacobs: Yeah.
And then when it snowed a bit the denialists went crazy.
Smathers: Exactly.
So what are the odds of it snowing again? Pretty much zero, right? So, I
hereby decree it won’t ever snow in England , for sure this time. And when I’m proven right, what will they all
say then?
Watson: Sounds good to me. Put it in an article and we’ll go with it.
Higgans: I've been working on a coloring book that we
can give out at all the schools. It’s a
way to teach kids about the science behind Global Warming so that they can
understand what’s at stake and be part of the solution when they grow up.
Watson: Sounds good…
Higgans: Yeah, I have Santa Claus on the front
cover. He’s standing in a puddle of
water, the Arctic has all melted. His ice castle is ruined. The reindeer are all starving because they
don’t have any more food.
Bimmelman: Well, the kids have to realize that when the Arctic melts there’re going to be real, actual problems.
Higgans: Precisely.
And then in the book Santa only gives presents to the kids that recycle
and the kids that refuse to get into their parents’ gas guzzling SUVS.
Jacobs: Those are good life lessons.
Higgans: But the kids can really see the damage caused
by Climate Change. In one chapter a
kid’s puppy gets washed away by a flash flood.
In another, this kitten dies of thirst because of a drought. In another…
Watson: Ok. Sounds good, Get it finished and we’ll get
copies to every school that we can.
Smathers: And
I've commissioned a poster for the upcoming ad campaign. It’s a picture of a koala bear clinging to
the top of the last eucalyptus tree surrounded by water as far as the eye can
see. It’s a real attention getter. The caption?
“This Is What Will Happen If We Don’t Do Something About Climate
Change”.
Higgans: Get those posters into the elementary schools
as soon as you can.
Bimmelman: I
commissioned a poster too. Mine shows a
Category 5 Hurricane, caused by Climate Change of course, completely destroying
Disney World and blowing Mickey Mouse clear into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean .
Jacobs: Powerful
Watson: Gentlemen, I’m absolutely chuffed by all the
brilliant ideas. You've all come through like I knew you would.
Although, I sometimes wonder why we do all this. All the sacrifices we make. But then, I always remind myself of the
reason. The only reason, really.
It’s for the children.
I warn my daughter
about the dangers of climate change every single day. The droughts. The pestilence. The tornados. The entire planet flooded. And that’s just for
starters.
She’s seven years old.
An angel. But she already knows
what the future will be if we don’t stop Climate Change right now. She even has nightmares now. Yesterday she came home from school crying. It was “Environment Day”. She was in tears, “Daddy”, she said, “What’s
going to happen to us? Why won’t anyone
listen? The planet is dying. And no one cares”.
It was so sad. Seven
years old. And she basically has no
future to look forward to unless......... the
denialists start to change their ways.
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