The President Works it Out

June 4 2014

Warsaw Poland

The Marriott Hotel Gym

Barack:   uh……twooo…..thrreeee………four.  Whew.  That was tough.  Geez, I could use a cigarette. Where’s Reggie anyhow?  He was supposed to be my spotter.  I’m already moving up to the heavier weights.  He’s supposed to be here to watch my form.

(Reggie comes hustling into the work out area)

Reggie:  Hey, there he is!  Wow!  Are those the two pound barbells?  Last time you were using the one pounders- the ones you found in the Zumba room.  You’ve already doubled what you can lift?  Amazing.

Barack:  Yeah, well.  You’d never think I haven’t lifted weights before, would you?  Hey, I just got a great idea.  Why don’t you grab your phone and take a video of me pumping iron?  You know, show me really working the old weights.  Then post it on You-tube.

Reggie:  Yeah.

Barack:  Everyone will see that I’m good at lifting weights.

Reggie:  Ok!  Hey, grab those five pounders.  That will really imp—

Barack:  Uhhhhh.  Ahggghhhhh.

Reggie:  Never mind.  It’s ok.  Go back to the two pounders.  Now.  Really work it.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Great.  Got it.  Good idea.  I’ll post the video tonight and by tomorrow everyone will know how strong you are.  Ha.  I wonder what Putin will think of it?

Barack:  Yeah.  He’s always showing off with his judo or whatever. Time to turn the tables on him.  Haha.  I don’t know why he thinks he’s so tough anyway.  I’m just as tough as him, right?

Reggie:  Tougher even.

Barack:  Right.

Reggie: By the way, congratulations on the whole Bergdahl thing.  I have no idea how you managed to pull that off.  Just another part of the Obama legacy.

Barack: Thanks.  Uhhh, well, what you need to remember is what makes these things tough is who you’re dealing with.  I mean, these people are zealots.  They’re crazy.  You cannot reason with them.  They are so filled with hate, it’s unbelievable.

Reggie: Yeah, well that’s Congress for you.

Barack: So, I didn't even bother telling them.  I just went ahead and cut my own deal with the Taliban.

Reggie: Smart.

Barack: Right. So I do all this and get the POW back, so are the Republicans happy?  Ha.  What do you think? Now they’re complaining that this guy is some kind of bad apple and I should have just left him over there.

Reggie:  Is he a bad apple?

Barack: What?  No! What are you talking about? He served with honor and distinction.  But. you know what I did before all this just to make sure?  I had my Secretary of State, John Kerry himself, do a thorough investigation of this Bergdahl guy and give me a full report.

Reggie: Smart, as usual.

Barack: And what happens?  Kerry comes back with the most glowing report you could ever imagine.  I mean, this guy was the greatest soldier ever.  And an even better human being.  Kerry even said that he couldn’t find a single fault with anything that Bergdahl did,  He even said Bergdahl reminded him of himself when he was in the army.

Reggie:  Wow.  So there you go.

Barack:  The Republicans just hate me.  Doesn't matter what I do.  Rescue a POW. And they still nit pick.  Uh, I gotta do a few more reps here.  Hey, help me out here with my alignment.  Yeah.  That feels better.  I gotta add a bit of muscle. I was trying to move a chair last week and I couldn't budge it.  It was like it was bolted to the ground.  So Michelle grabs it with one hand and flings it across the room.

Reggie: ….

Barack:  I thought she was going to fling me next. So she gave me that look and said I better bulk up.

Reggie:  She doesn't know I’m helping you, does she?

Barack: What?  Of course not.

Reggie: So how’d it go with that Polish Prime Minister guy last night?

Barack:  He doesn't listen.  He kept harping on the same old thing.

Reggie: What?  He’s still going on about how you cancelled Bush’s stupid missile defense system? He’s not over that yet?  Dude, that was like five years ago.

Barack: Exactly.  He kept going on and on about it.  And then he kept bringing up uh, Cri..Crimaria, I mean Crimea, I think, and Ukraine. He’s all mad that I cancelled his missile system.  And he’s saying all this stuff about Putin.   He seems to think that all this stuff is related.

Reggie:  And its not.

Barack:  No.   One has nothing to do with another.  Not even a smidgen.  I explained exactly why I cancelled the missile defense system and why Poland doesn't even need it anyway.

Reggie: What did you tell him?

Barack:  First of all I told him the obvious.  This whole missile defense thingy is Bush’s idea so that means only one thing – it’s stupid. Putin even told me that if I scrapped the thing he’d owe me a favor.  So, right off the bat I’m turning Russia from an enemy into a friend!  Smart, eh?

Reggie: But he kept going on about Crimea and Ukraine?

Barack: That’s what I mean.  See.  Putin has made a big mistake with all this invading and, believe me, he won’t do it again.  Look how upset everyone is at him now.  Watch.  At the G8, well the G7 now, (chortle) no one will even talk to him.  He knows he messed up.  I explained all this to him over the phone, Poland has nothing to worry about.  They don’t need a missile defense system.  Why are they being such babies?  The Cold War is over.  Remember that.

Reggie:  Sounds like you've explained everything perfectly.  You’re really on a roll.

Barack:  You can say that again. And you ain't seen nothing yet.  You think getting Bergdahl back was a good move? I've got lots more ideas just as good as that.  You just watch.  You know, I finally realized that there’s no point trying to work with Congress.  They automatically oppose anything I try to do.  So screw them.  Who needs them anyway?  They’re just dead weight.

Reggie:  You can say that again.  So what’s next?  You’ve already done so much.  Obamacare is working out great.  The economy is booming.  You’ve ended two wars.  Looks like Iraq is better than ever.  What could possibly be next?

Barack: Well. I need to get Gitmo completely shut down. Which I’ll easily do.  But the most important thing I need to do to completely cement my legacy is to stop climate change.  I have about two and half years to go. That’s more than enough time for me to figure out how to get the climate back to normal.  Shouldn't be a problem.

Reggie:  Sounds good.

Barack: And. I just got another idea today!  I saw where some city doubled the minimum wage to $15 an hour.  Naturally the Republicans went crazy.  They like it when folks stay poor,  They couldn't care less about them.  So anyway, I got to thinking.  Why stop at $15? So.  I’m going to sign an Executive Order to raise the minimum wage to $25 an hour!  That will completely eliminate poverty once and for all.  Easy peasy.

Reggie: uh….

Barack:  Naturally the Republicans will try to stop me.  They hate it whenever I try to eliminate poverty.  But here’s the best part.

Reggie:  What?

Barack: Only registered Democrats will qualify for the $25 minimum wage.  Republicans will be out of luck.  Hahaha.

Reggie:  Can you do that?

 Barack:  Who’s going to stop me?

________________________________________________________________________

IPCC Damage Control

Sept 28 2013

The IPCC has just released its much anticipated “Fifth Assessment Report Summary for Policy Makers”.

An emergency meeting of the IPCC Board of Directors has been called.

Watson: (sigh) Well, I can’t really say I’m surprised.  Sometimes I wonder what more we can do?  Maybe we should all just go on strike.

(He drops an enormous tome onto the conference room table.  It lands with a loud thud, shakes the table, tipping over the coffee cups.)

Watson: Here it is, gentlemen.  "The Summary for Policy Makers".  Over 2000 pages of iron-clad, rock-solid, incontrovertible evidence that proves Climate Change is for real. And, if we don’t do something about Climate Change now, and I mean right now, well, I don’t have to tell any of you what will happen.

Higgans: No, you certainly don’t.  The dire consequences have all been listed out on pages 350 to 1214.  And, remember, this is just the summary.  Wait until the full report comes out.

Watson: My point exactly, Higgans.  2,000 pages.  Over 400 graphs.  800 eminent climate scientists, every single word meticulously peer-reviewed –

Jacobs: Yes, I personally reviewed all of Bimmelman’s stuff –

Bimmelman: And I reviewed all of Jacobs’ stuff.  And, I must say, it was all excellent.

Watson: That’s what I mean.  So, after all this, what happens?  The denialists ignore 1,999 and half pages and jump all over one paragraph on page 1,843.  Something about a pause.  A warming pause.

Higgans: Yeah, what’s that about anyway?  How did that get in there?

Watson: At this point it doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter how it got in there.  What’s done is done.  And, right on cue, the denialists are making a huge deal about this.  We need to get everyone back on message.  Back on to the vital 1,999 and a half pages.  What we CANNOT do, and what we absolutely will NOT do, is even acknowledge the warming pause or whatever the hell they’re talking about.  If we even so much as address this crazy notion of theirs, the denialists will start acting even more crazy like there’re two sides to this!  And there aren't two sides.  There’s only one side. OUR side. The science is settled. 

Higgans: It sure is.

Bimmelman:You can say that again.

Jacobs: Amen, brother.

Smathers: Yeah, how settled can something get?

Watson: So, that is why I have called you all here.  I need ideas, gentlemen. Good ideas.  We need to sharpen our message so that the public can easily understand what we’re saying.  We need to get public opinion off of this pause stuff and back on us! 

Bimmelman: I might have something.  Something we can include in next months Recap of the Summary.  I've been working on this for almost two years.  My grants almost used up but luckily I’m almost finished.  And this is absolute gold.  The denialists think that pouring all this carbon into the atmosphere doesn't do anything? Well, how about a city where the average temperature has TRIPLED, yes tripled, in only the last 20 years. Talk about Global Warming.

Jacobs: What?  You cannot be serious.  Is this true?

Bimmelman: I have everything right here. I've been closely studying a city in southwest Iceland for the past year, Stykkisholmur.  20 years ago the average year round temperature was 1 degree centigrade.  Well, how about this?  Last year, I personally took the temperature every single day at exactly twelve noon, usually when I’m coming home from my daily visit to the Hot Spring.  And you know what I discovered?  The average temperature is now 3 degrees centigrade.  The temperature has tripled!  Can you imagine what will happen when the temperature in Los Angeles triples?  What will the denialists say then?

(silence)

Watson:  I don’t quite know what to say to that, Bimmelman.  Except…..  Congratulations! You've just earned yourself the feature article in next month’s Summary Recap.  Good work!  Any other good ideas?  Anyone?  You. Higgans.

Higgans: Well, you know how last time we said we were 97% sure that Global Warming was for real and that humans are to blame?  And that this time we’re even more sure – 98%.  Well, I propose that for next months key Summary Recap we show how we’re even more surer now.  We bump it up to 99% certainty.  And then for next years BI-Annual Interim Report we go up to ----

Smathers: Hold on. Wait a minute.  We need to be careful here.  I can’t listen to this without saying something.  We don’t want to look ridiculous.  Are we serious scientists or not? We need to report on exactly where the science leads us.

Watson:  You mean?

Smathers: Exactly.  Let’s not equivocate here.  For next months Summary Recap lets just be right up front and go with our guts – 100% certainty!!

Watson:  Hear, hear! Excellent suggestion, Smathers.  I think you've just come up with the theme for next months report.  100% certainty!

Jacobs:  I've been working on a graph to take the place of the Hockey stick graph.

Higgans:  Gasp. You’re kidding?  That hockey stick is a work of genius.  I mean, even the lamest of lamebrains can see how the temperature was flat for a really long time and then quickly moves up when we start pumping all this carbon into the atmosphere.  It’s brilliant.

Jacobs:  But there’s one problem.  The blade of the hockey stick is too gradual.  It’s taking too long to get really hot.  If you go by the hockey stick it might be another 10 years before we see the real serious flooding,  Who can wait that long?  Look, my Dad was an architect.  So instead of a hockey stick, I used one of his tri squares and re-worked the graph completely. It’s flat for a long time and then at the year 2015 it goes straight up at a 90 degree angle! The temperature goes straight up! Voila, we’re all toast.

Watson: Beautiful.  That will be on the front page of all our upcoming press releases. Bimmelman?

Bimmeleman:  You know how the denialists keep saying that even though there’s way more carbon in the atmosphere, the world isn't getting any hotter?

Jacobs: Yeah…

Bimmeleman: Well, I've been working on a theory that just proves how dumb they all are.  And all I need is to get another grant and I’m positive I can make all those idiots eat their words once and for all.

Watson:  Go on.  What’s the theory?

Bimmeleman: Its simplicity itself.  Like all great theories are.  It goes like this.  The climate has been so screwed up by all the carbon that some places are getting hotter but some places are getting colder!  Some places are getting more rain.  And some places getting less!  You see where this is going??  It all cancels out.  On average nothing has been changing lately!!  Just like the denialists keep saying.  But the absence of change is actually the greatest of all proof that climate change is happening like crazy.  If nothing is happening that’s actually more evidence that climate change is realer than ever.

Watson:  Wow.  Just wow. So, if the temperature is staying the same that’s actually the strongest evidence of all that Climate Change is happening right before our eyes!  I’ll get you that grant, Bimmelman.  And with this theory of yours you might just be out next Michael Mann.  Well done.

Smathers:  Remember how we said that it would never snow in England again?

Jacobs:  Yeah.  And then when it snowed a bit the denialists went crazy.

Smathers:  Exactly.  So what are the odds of it snowing again?  Pretty much zero, right?   So, I hereby decree it won’t ever snow in England, for sure this time.  And when I’m proven right, what will they all say then?

Watson:  Sounds good to me.  Put it in an article and we’ll go with it.

Higgans:  I've been working on a coloring book that we can give out at all the schools.  It’s a way to teach kids about the science behind Global Warming so that they can understand what’s at stake and be part of the solution when they grow up.

Watson:  Sounds good…

Higgans:  Yeah, I have Santa Claus on the front cover.  He’s standing in a puddle of water, the Arctic has all melted.  His ice castle is ruined.  The reindeer are all starving because they don’t have any more food. 

Bimmelman:  Well, the kids have to realize that when the Arctic melts there’re going to be real, actual problems.

Higgans:  Precisely.  And then in the book Santa only gives presents to the kids that recycle and the kids that refuse to get into their parents’ gas guzzling SUVS. 

Jacobs:  Those are good life lessons. 

Higgans:  But the kids can really see the damage caused by Climate Change.  In one chapter a kid’s puppy gets washed away by a flash flood.  In another, this kitten dies of thirst because of a drought.  In another…

Watson: Ok.  Sounds good, Get it finished and we’ll get copies to every school that we can.

Smathers: And I've commissioned a poster for the upcoming ad campaign.  It’s a picture of a koala bear clinging to the top of the last eucalyptus tree surrounded by water as far as the eye can see.  It’s a real attention getter.  The caption?  “This Is What Will Happen If We Don’t Do Something About Climate Change”.

Higgans:  Get those posters into the elementary schools as soon as you can.

Bimmelman: I commissioned a poster too.  Mine shows a Category 5 Hurricane, caused by Climate Change of course, completely destroying Disney World and blowing Mickey Mouse clear into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Jacobs:  Powerful

Watson:  Gentlemen, I’m absolutely chuffed by all the brilliant ideas. You've all come through like I knew you would.

(He begins to speak very emotionally)

Although, I sometimes wonder why we do all this.  All the sacrifices we make.  But then, I always remind myself of the reason.  The only reason, really.

 It’s for the children.

 I warn my daughter about the dangers of climate change every single day. The droughts.  The pestilence. The tornados.  The entire planet flooded. And that’s just for starters.

She’s seven years old.  An angel.  But she already knows what the future will be if we don’t stop Climate Change right now.  She even has nightmares now.  Yesterday she came home from school crying.  It was “Environment Day”.  She was in tears, “Daddy”, she said, “What’s going to happen to us?  Why won’t anyone listen?  The planet is dying.  And no one cares”. 

It was so sad.  Seven years old.  And she basically has no future to look forward to unless......... the denialists start to change their ways.  

________________________________________________________________________

Another Doomed Antarctic Expedition or Maybe There's Something to this "Gore Effect" After All

Diary excerpt recovered from the Shokalskiy......

Tuesday, December 10 2013

Great God.  This is an awful place.

I found myself upon the forecastle, the terrible, gale-force wind, surely over 50 mph, mercilessly tore through my raiment freezing me to the very core.  That’s the last time I leave my cabin without my coat on.

We are here in Antarctica, walking in the footprints of Douglas Mawson; our sacred mission to collect more evidence, to prove once and for all, that Antarctic ice is melting at a frightening rate.  We will soon reach Commonwealth Bay, the very spot Mawson reached 100 years ago sailing safely into the welcoming, unfrozen waters.

Our climate change models all continue to tell us, nay, they continue to shout at us:  that the Antarctic ice is receding at an alarming rate!  Soon we will be able to see our computer models validated.  We will see for ourselves vast expanses of open water.  Where ice used to be.

Wednesday, December 11 2013

Faith is sometimes the only thing we have when everything seems to have turned against us.  Douglas Mawson’s shipmates were men of great faith.   They needed that faith to stay strong, to believe in what they knew to be true despite what their senses told them.  That unshakable faith was the one thing that kept them going, that gave them strength when they needed it, when it seemed impossible to take another step.

Well, let me say something right now. Everyone on this expedition, every single person, has every bit as much faith as anyone on Mawson’s team!

And all of that faith is surely being put to the test because, quite simply, the impossible has happened.  The unimaginable.

We are actually stuck in ice. We are surrounded by miles and miles of six foot deep ice.  Our ship can’t move an inch.   It’s impossible for ice to be here.  It wasn’t here 100 years ago.  And after 100 years of man made global warming there’s no way ice can be here now.  It just can’t.  Every single computer model says the same thing.  The ice has melted.

Faith. 

Like Mawson, my faith is unshakable.   My faith in our computer models is based on science. Science!  And 97% of climate scientists will say the same thing.  There can’t be ice here.  The models can’t all be wrong. 

I believe it’s only a matter of time until all this ice melts and we’re back in open water.  Probably a couple of days at the most.   Maybe a week.    We’ll wait here as long as we have to.  Mark my words. Our faith will be vindicated.  The ice will melt.

Sunday, December 15 2013

The ice hasn’t melted.  We remain stuck.

But in the midst of such incredible bad fortune every single person on this ship has shown incredible resilience and remarkable strength of will.  Despite our predicament we have all kept busy and used our time as productively as possible.  Morale is high.

Since this is a scientific expedition I have been giving daily lectures.  My 1:00 pm talk today on “Surface Meltwater” was sparsely attended, however.  Most on board have wisely used our unfortunate circumstances to catch up on much needed sleep.  Taking note of this, starting tomorrow, I’ll move the lecture start time to 3:00 pm..  Hicksby, in truth, was the only attendee today and after initially enthusiastically engaging with me, he, too, succumbed to the too-early start and was unable to remain awake.

Myers, Shelton, Rigolsby, Turner and some others showing tremendous initiative and resourcefulness spent many hours outside today constructing igloos and also an ice-slide! I can only shake my head in amazement at their skill.  Luckily I was able to dash outside and have a video taken of me on the ingenious ice slide and I quickly posted the video on Facebook and was elated to quickly garner several “likes”.

But, on the darker side, today also provided a sobering test of my leadership position.  Smedley and Crothers led a very angry group of eight and forced their way into my cabin.  These people were not very happy and they loudly demanded that the 6:00 opening time for the bar be eliminated and that the bar be kept open all day.  Outrageous!  In no uncertain terms, I firmly advised the group that this was certainly not going to happen and that the earliest, the absolutely earliest, that I would permit the bar to open would be noon.

 Tuesday, December 17 2013

The gods have truly smiled upon us.  After days of lifeless desolation we have been visited by a magnificent rookery of curious Adelie penguins!  Oh joy.

We were all instantly off the ship and began taking picture after picture.  It’s intensely gratifying to imagine the important contribution these photographs will make to the scientific record.  Adelie penguins in their natural habitat!  Hastings beat all of us and was the first to tweet one of these priceless photographic records!  Seeing an Adelie penguin in a zoo is one thing.  But for someone to see a picture of an actual Adelie penguin while actually still in Antarctica?? Words fail me.

It was amazing to see how these noble Monarchs of the Antarctic would come right up to us as if to welcome us to their kingdom! Humbling to imagine that we are the first humans these majestic creatures have ever encountered. 

And then it was the turn of the marine biologists to go to work.

First it was feather samples.  Skin samples.  And even blubber samples.   Who knows what vital contributions to science these samples would one day provide?  The penguins seemed only too happy to give us whatever we needed.

It took a while but Hopkins was able to attach a tag and transmitter to dozens of our new friends.  And a few were even outfitted with cameras on both their front and back.  It was an amazing sight to see a penguin bravely waddle off whilst laden down with all this new gear attached to him.  He has no idea what an important little fellow he is!!

Hopkins needed some more skin samples but inexplicably found it difficult to round up some more of our new friends.  They all frantically waddled off as fast as they could at the very sight of him.  Hopkins, himself a somewhat rotund man, was still able to run some of them down and obtain the much needed skin and blubber samples.  But, still.  Very odd behaviour. 

Something must have spooked the penguins.  I wonder what it was.  

 

Saturday, December 21 2013

There have already been so many parallels on this trip with the challenges faced by the early explorers such as Shackleton and, of course, Mawson.  But nothing could have prepared us for the sheer emotional intensity many of us felt today. Some couldn’t help but break down in paroxysms of sobbing.  I knew this expedition would affect all of us in unknown ways but it definitely restores your faith in your fellow man - and woman - to experience real emotions at the sheer power wrought by this continent!  Will explain shortly.

Today was the day we walked in the very footprints of Mawson and his doomed companions. 

As we all got onto our amphibious all terrain vehicles, we carefully double checked the gear.  Antarctica is the most unforgiving place on the planet.  Forgetting to pack some essential supply could mean death.  The trip to Mawson’s hut could take as long as three hours.  If our Argos broke down we would not have the option of eating sled dog’s like Mawson was able to do.  We had to rely only on what we could carry.  Ice coring equipment, satellite phones, GPS, penguin survey equipment, medical supplies, sleeping bags, thermal blankets, pillow, propane heater, food, Dutch oven, emergency kit, flares, tent, porta-potty, bottled water, recycling containers, hand wipes.  The Argo was fully loaded but I was still able to climb aboard,

It was a frigid minus six degrees Celsius when we finally made it to Mawson’s cabin.  Hard to believe he was able to survive so long here! I couldn’t help but think he should have made the place bigger.

We took pictures in front of the hut, quickly tweeted them, and began our journey back.  We were all starting to get a little cold and a little hungry.  Tonight the kitchen staff was planning roasted lamb with mint jelly topped off with a Lamington.  We wanted to get back before it was all gone.

 But our day held one more incredible, albeit heartbreaking, surprise for us.

Shortly after passing the exact spot where one of Mawson’s men had tragically fell into a crevasse to his death we were startled by loud cracking sounds! Astounding!  Directly in front of us we were observing huge chunks of ice calving off of a glacier.  We moved in closer.  Oh no.  The glacier was directly adjacent to a penguin nesting ground!  Hundreds.  Thousands of penguins.  And even worse.  Penguin eggs!  penguin eggs were being threatened by the huge chunks of ice.  Penguins frantically waddled away to safety.  But the eggs!  The eggs.  We had to save the eggs.  Smathers heroically dove in front of a falling chunk of ice and absorbed the full impact but managed to protect several of the precious eggs.  I quickly tweeted a picture. 

Ice chunks continued to fall but, thank Providence!, out of the hundreds of penguin eggs, perhaps only twenty or thirty fell victim to Mother Natures fury.  Some of us became overcome with emotion as we collected the broken shells.  It was so unfair.  Why should these innocent penguin eggs perish because we as a species have not yet done everything possible to stop global warming? Melting glaciers destroying penguin eggs! The guilt, and yes, even rage overwhelmed us.  Smathers was inconsolable.  His cries of agony could be heard for miles.

Tonight’s summer solstice ceremony that we were all looking forward to has just taken on an even deeper meaning.  These penguin eggs, these unborn chicks, will never be forgotten!

Wednesday, December 25 2013

Drat and confound it! The bad luck we have encountered staggers the mind!

My studies have finally revealed the reasons for this completely inexplicable presence of sea ice.  We are all quite right and have been right all along: the ice should not be here.  No doubt about that. But due to the unanticipated confluence of several factors – the pervasive deep low pressure systems, 50 mph winds, the funnelling effect from the ice sheet – we are experiencing a once in a century reconfiguration of thick multi-year sea ice!  No one could have guessed this could happen.

I have just received vital satellite images that confirms what I have been suspecting all along.  A large iceberg known as B09B, calved from the continent and collided in spectacular fashion with the extended tongue of the Mertz Glacier (of all the confounded luck!).  The resulting knock-on effect has filled Commonwealth Bay and completely surrounded us with thick sea ice.

Can you believe the luck?  The very time we come to Antarctica totally expecting open waters and what goes and happens?  The loss of the Mertz Glacier tongue causes a massive reconfiguration of sea ice!  Mother Gaia has played quite a trick on us.  We are completely and hopelessly stuck.

I have, therefore, sent out an SOS.

Friday, December 27 2013

Three different ice breakers are slowly but surely making their ways toward us.  

Despite the incredibly adverse conditions, morale remains incredibly high.

But as conditions deteriorate will we be able to cope?

Wednesday, January 1 2014

The situation is very bleak indeed.  Half of us are too weak to even get out of bed, Peacock doing the best he can with the meagre supplies at his disposal.  Oates unable even to open his eyes.  Bowers continues to vomit uncontrollably. Wilson lies completely motionless, the slightest sound causing him unspeakable pain.  I found Evans unconscious outside his cabin, he unable to summon the strength even to reach shelter.  Dear Lord.  Had I only known that such wide spread suffering could have been prevented!  By God!  Mark my words!  Next year’s New Years Eve party will have strict limits on alcohol consumption.

Friday, January 3 2014

I am trying to see the silver lining.  But it’s difficult.

Helicopters are on the way and we will soon be airlifted to safety.  The immediate danger is over.  The helicopter ride should be fun.  And I hope I can get a picture of me in the helicopter for my Facebook page.

But I can’t deny that some real damage has occurred.  The plight of our expedition has become well known to the entire world and right on cue all of the denialist bloggers out there are having great sport with our predicament.

And no matter how many times I try to explain that we are not trapped in new ice, that we are trapped in OLD ICE, they refuse to listen.  The satellite images prove it beyond a doubt.  And I have ice cores galore to show them.  In fact, one ice core is eight feet long.  What more proof do you need?  I just hope I can get it on the helicopter.

This is always the problem dealing with climate change deniers.  No matter how much you explain.  No matter how much proof you provide.  IT’S NEVER ENOUGH!!

We are not trapped in NEW ice!  None of this is our fault.  The computer models are all perfectly correct.  Why can’t they understand about the iceberg colliding with the Mertz glacier tongue?  Don’t they know that sometimes old ice can reconfigure? 

This is what I’m always faced with.  I’m sick of it. The planet continues to get warmer.  End of story. So we got stuck in the ice.  Big deal.  If anything, our expedition is even more proof that the Earth is getting warmer. Why won't the denialists listen? I've done all I can.  I can’t deal with these idiots anymore.

It seems a pity, but I do not think I can write more.

Discussing Obamacare

(In the Faculty Lounge)

Rob:  Did you see this? Hilarious.  Some poor sap in California had to get new insurance because of Obamacare and his rates have gone way up.  Geez.  Who could have seen that coming?

Anyway, listen to what he said. And I quote: “Of course, I want people to have health care.  I just didn't realize I would be the one who was going to pay for it personally”. 

Priceless. Premiums are higher with Obamacare?  What a shocker.  What universe do you have to live in to not realize that someone’s gonna have to pay for all this? It’s mind boggling.

Prof C: What is it with you Republicans?  Are you so filled with hate that you can’t see what’s going on here?

Rob: …huh?

Prof C: It’s the insurance companies.  Any chance they get, they’re going to gouge you, right?  That’s what they do.  This is a perfect chance for them to jack up premiums and blame it all on Obamacare! Same old shit.  Every time.

Rob: Um, it says here that rates have to go up because of all these new government requirements. 

Prof C: Holy Cow! Of course rates are going to go up for some people. But they’re going to go down for some other people!  That’s how this works. People who can afford to pay make up for those who can’t afford to pay.  What?  You were glad so many people didn't have insurance?  Well. Obamacare will finally fix all that. I’m sorry if that upsets you.  I've never understood what’s with you Republicans.  You guys are actually happy when people can’t afford decent medical care!

Rob: Whoa, slow down there cowboy.  Take a breath. All I’m saying is that people are suddenly realizing that their health care premiums are skyrocketing.  Here, look at this.  And we were told that everyone’s premiums were going to come down with Obamacare.  Come down.  Not go way up.

Prof C:  Who?  Who said everyone’s premiums were going to go down?  Nice try.  No one said that.  Who would say that?

Rob: Obama said it, that’s who. 

Prof C: Bullshit.

Rob:  Did you sleep through the entire 2008 Presidential Campaign?  You couldn't turn on the TV without Obama making some wild promise about Obamacare.  That was his big issue. Remember? He was saying anything.  And the one thing he kept saying over and over was, and I remember this clearly, because only an idiot would believe it, was every single family would see their health care premium fall by $2,500.  $2,500! He kept saying it.  He sounded like a fricken aluminum siding salesman.  Keep repeating something, no matter how preposterous, and, I guess, people start to believe it.

Prof C:  Obama never said anything like that.  Not even close.  Why do you have to lie?  Why do I even bother trying to discuss something like this, when you can’t even keep your facts straight? 

Rob: What are you talking about?

Prof C:  Have you ever heard of Harvard University?

Rob:  I've heard of Harvard.

Prof C: Well, you might want to do a search on Professor David Cutler.  C-U-T-L-E-R.  He produced the comprehensive economic study on Obamacare.  He actually knows what he’s talking about.  He’s from Harvard.  The study was called “The Two Trillion Dollar Solution”.

Rob (looks at his iPOD) It says here that this Cutler guy works for the Obama administration now.

Prof C: And the study was co-written by another brilliant economist, Melinda Beeuwkes Buntin. Doesn’t get any better than that.

Rob (looks at his iPOD): It says here she’s a pretty big donor to the democratic campaign.  And what’s this?  You gotta be kidding me.  She was on the CBO that scored Obamacare? 

Prof C: Anything Obama says about Obamacare is backed up 100% by Cutlers study.  It explains exactly how health costs are going to come down because of Obamacare.  That’s down.  Got that?  D-O-W-N. Down.  He explains how things like technology, creating insurance exchanges, and using smart incentives will bring down costs by $200 billion a year.  In ten years that’s two trillion. It’s all in the report.  I suggest you read the report before you start making wild accusations.

Rob: I think I will. I could use another laugh.  Obamacare is going to save $200 billion a year?  Impossible.  Who in the world could believe that?  I guess that poor sap from California believed it.  Heh heh.

Prof C:  Look, you’re a what?  A plumber or something?

Rob:  I own a plumbing company.

Prof C: Let me explain.  $200 Billion a year of total health care savings works out to a savings of $2500 each year for each and every family in America?  How’s that for starters?  And it’s all explained in detail in Cutler’s report. New technology, smarter incentives, and lots more. It’s all there.  He’s from Harvard, remember.  No one is saying premiums will come down by $2500.  Obama was trying to explain the savings to society from Obamacare.  The savings.  $200 billion a year.  Now do you get it? Obama’s not trying to mislead anyone.  You just hate Obama, don’t you?

Rob:  I better get going now. I’m sure I have something better to do.

Prof C: Next time, know what you’re talking about before you start shooting off your mouth about something you don’t know anything about.  Just a little advice.

________________________________________________________________________________

(That night at home Rob reads “The Two Trillion DollarSolution - Saving money by modernizing the health care system”)

Rob: Hard to believe this is taken seriously.  Why stop at two trillion? Why not five trillion?  God help us.

________________________________________________________________________________ 

(That night at home Prof C stumbles across this video)

Prof C: Obviously doctored.  Probably a good idea to get Youtube to delete it though.  But who cares,  Obamacare’s here.  And that’s what’s important.

________________________________________________________________________

Grilled at a State Dinner

Handler:  OK.  We’re all set.  You’ll be great.  You show up.  No one will be expecting you. Everyone will clap and cheer.   Just read what’s on the teleprompter.  No ad libbing at this event.   It’s a friendly crowd so you’ll be fine.   And it’s for a great cause.  There won’t be any questions.  Read the speech.  Have some fun.  And then get out of there.  Remember, don’t take any questions. You haven’t been briefed.  Stick with the prepared statements. 

President (to himself):  Geez.  Relax.  I’m the President.  I’m pretty sure I can handle this crowd.  What’s wrong with taking a question or two?

President (out loud):  OK.  OK.  No questions.  Stick to the prepared stuff.

Handler (out loud): Fantastic!  Who’s the man?  You’re the man!! 

Handler (to himself) Please God, don’t let him screw this up…..

The remarks go well.  The event is a great success.  The President is walking off the stage when suddenly someone shouts a question to him!

President (to himself):  Uh oh.  A question! They made me promise not to take any questions.  I haven’t been briefed. Why does this always happen?  And why is he asking a question anyway? Maybe we need to start restricting attendance at these things.  What should I do? Hey, waitaminnit, I’m the President.  I can handle this.  I just need to buy some time.

President (out loud):  I didn't quite get that.  Could you repeat the question?

President (to himself): Ha!

An eight year old boy repeats the question.

Little Boy: What’s your favorite food?

President: (to himself) Jesus. What’s my favorite food?  Is the kid trying to trip me up?  Christ.  What do I say?  Michelle’s standing right there! I hate these kinds of questions.

I remember when I told that magazine my favorite foods were chili, French Fries and pork chops.  Michelle nearly killed me.  Well I sure can’t say that again.

And the media was all over me that time at the Iowa State Fair.  Everyone told me to say I liked the Pork Chop on a Stick with a beer.  But I blurted out my favorite food was Pork Chops and beer.  Big deal that I forgot the “on the stick” part.  And big deal that I've never had pork chops and beer in my life.  Who has?  And then I even get ripped for eating it with a knife and fork.  Sometimes you can’t win.  So I've got to be really, really careful with this question.

And this is Michelle’s event.  I've got to say the right thing.  Let me see.  This is a “healthy recipe contest for kids”.  Hmmm. What was the winning recipe again? A Brussels sprout wrap, right? OK.  THAT’s my favorite food then.  Brussels Sprout Wraps!

But I can’t say that.  I hate Brussels sprouts.

Uh, everyone’s waiting for me to say something.  What’s my favorite food? Jesus. What do I say?  I sure can’t say arugula, can I? Heh heh. Mutura? Bolang-baling?  I ate dog once. That was pretty good. Hmmm  But I better not say that.  Man oh man. Why wasn't I briefed?  I’m going to kill someone.

OK. I got this.  I’m the President.  This is a roomful of kids.  This is a once in a lifetime chance for them to hear directly from the President.  They will remember the answer to this question for the rest of their lives.  What’s my favorite food? Geez. Not a straightforward question at all.  There are so many variables to take into account.  I can’t tell them any of my real favorite foods, that’s for sure.  Michelle would kill me.  And my answer has to be something really smart.  Something a President would say!

Hey, what’s this on the lectern?  Holy Cow.  What luck.  It’s a menu from Michelle’s National School Lunch Program! I’ll just take something off the menu and pretend it's my favorite food!

Lets see….Rutabaga Potato Mash….Bean and Kale Ragu…..Roasted Fennel.  What the…?  Beet and Shallot Smoothie.  I've never even heard of any of this stuff…

What’s your favorite food?

President (to himself):  Potato Leek Gratin…..Baked Kale Chips….What do I do?  What do I do?  Parsnip Puree….who’s supposed to eat this stuff?  Broccoli Couscous.  Broccoli!  I've heard of broccoli!

What’s your favorite food???

President (to himself): I hate broccoli though. Everyone hates broccoli. But it’s on Michelle’s menu.  Roasted Yucca Fries…..Mung Bean Crepes….Good Lord.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FOOD????

Obama (out loud): BROCCOLI! That’s my favorite food.

(Silence)

Little Boy (to himself): Did he just say broccoli? Geez, he must really think we’re stupid…………

____________________________________________________________

An Unexpected Meeting at the G20

(Somewhere in the Constantine Palace)

V: There is one very special piece of wisdom that has served me well for many years.  My grandfather, Spiridon Ivanovich, would always tell me that when dealing with an adversary, no matter how imbecilic he may be, never forget that the adversary can still be useful to you.  Always resist the urge to knock him out with one punch to the jaw, no matter how tempting the act may be.  The fist is a delicate thing and may yet suffer damage even whilst delivering the fatal blow.  Instead, employ simple psychology in order to achieve your goals.  Remember, most men are trained to restrain themselves in the face of, even the most extreme provocation.  They will never fight. If your adversary is easily swayed by emotion, resist the natural urge to use logic when seeking common ground.  Study your opponent.  Know their weaknesses.  A narcissist is easily manipulated. Praise them and leave them their dignity and you will always get what you want.  Like our friend out there.  Watch.  He’ll leave with his dignity but also with an empty sack.  And it may eventually dawn on him, as another very wise man once said, that if you leave with your dignity and an empty sack all you really have ... is the sack.

I:  You’re not going to let him launch an attack are you?

V: Now is not the time to punch him in the face. That will come later. Watch. He’ll leave here with two things.  His dignity.  And an empty sack.

Send them in.

 ________________________________________________________________________________

B: There is one thing I know that has served me well for many years.  If I have a chance to explain things, to work through the details with someone, to explain the ins and outs of something, the other guy will always come around to my way of thinking.  That’s how things work. That’s been my experience my entire life.  The only exception is if you’re dealing with someone who, flat out, doesn't want to get along.  They have ulterior motives.  Or maybe they’re  racist.  I deal with these folks all day long. I won’t kid you, it’s tough. But I have a chance here to explain to him that children are dying.  There’s someone gassing his own people!   What if it was your child being gassed?    Just use logic.  We can send a signal that gassing children should never be tolerated.  Period.  End of story.  Surely he should be able to understand that.

R: So, you’re going to launch the attack?

B: Watch.  I know exactly how to handle this.  I got the idea during the plane ride over here.  It’s called negotiation.  We can talk this thing through. 

Hey, looks like they’re ready for us.

 ________________________________________________________________________________

V:   Welcome. Welcome.  I’m so glad you were able to make it today. I hope that our hospitality has been acceptable.   I can see how very fit you are!  I understand that you’re quite a sportsman!

B:  Why thank you. Yes.  It’s very important to stay fit you know.  And, yes, quite a lot of people call me a sportsman!  I’m told I’m a very good basketball player. I golf, too.  As often as I can.  And I really enjoy riding a bike.  You can’t imagine the burn you get when you peddle up a steep hill.  There’s nothing like it.  Do they have you on any fitness regime?

V: Oh not really.  I was in the military for a while and as you may know, they’re pretty big on fitness.  I do a little judo.  I do what I can.  But nothing like you.  Maybe one day I’ll try golf.

B: Well it’s a tough game.  But go for it.  You never know what you can do till you try something.

V: Indeed.

B: Anyways.  There’s two pretty big issues that are causing a lot of folks a lot of concern.  And if you just give me a minute to explain everything, I think you’ll agree that what I’m saying is true and that we can solve both problems.

V: I’ll certainly do whatever I can.  I presume you’re taking about the Syria issue.

B:  Yes, but not just that.  Once we’re done here I have a pretty big meeting with a coalition of gay activists.  We’re all pretty upset about Russia’s stance on gay rights.  And this is all really hurting Russia’s image around the world, and, what with the Olympics coming up, well, you can see there’s a real chance that gay athletes will be facing discrimination.  And no one wants that, right?  I was thinking. Since this is such a big issue, and it’s an issue that, believe me, I have personally taken to heart, I was thinking that if you’re not doing anything, you should join me at the gay rights coalition meeting. It would be a great chance for you to reassure folks that you’re not denying anyone’s rights and that this was all a big misunderstanding.  So, how about it?

V: Well, it’s a good idea.  But my schedule is full, you see.  I’m meeting with the Board of Directors of Gazprom.  We have our hands full with our network of gas pipelines, one of which happens to go through Syria..

B: Pipeline?  Through Syria?  No. No.  You don’t want to do that.  Syria has just gassed to death 426 children.  Look at these pictures.  They don’t show all 426 but, look, you can’t have someone gassing kids.  You just can’t.  Why are you friends with Assad anyway?  It looks really bad.  It sends a bad signal to the world.  Assad is a bad character period.  Take my advice.  Stop being friends with Assad and I promise you, the entire world will thank you for it.

V: Well, it’s like this.  We both, you and I, have to look after our own national interests.  The pipeline through Syria, not to mention our Tartus port, are part of a plan to ensure Russia’s economic security for years to come.  We need that pipeline.  We need that port.  That’s why I’m friends with al-Assad.  Being friends with al-Assad makes Russia a stronger country. Simple as that.  And, you have national interests as well.  I’m sure you've made a lot of promises to a lot of important people that you would pressure me to change our laws regarding gay rights.  You have that big meeting later. Your reputation as President of the United States is at stake.  I understand that.  And even though  Russia’s new laws passed in Parliament have been terribly distorted in the media, I am more than prepared to make some concessions.  Concessions that you will be able to take credit for.

B: Well, great.  So that leaves the Syria thing.  I've made lots of promises.  I've moved a bunch of boats into place.  Everything is set to go.  We are going ahead with this.  If attacking Syria stops even one child from being gassed to death then it will all be worth it.  I’ll be right up front with you. We have a list of targets.  It will be a three day bombing campaign.  It will be thorough.  And it will in two weeks.  I won’t tell you which day though.

V: (sighs) I see.  Well, you are putting us, all of us, in a very, very difficult position.  You may not know this but Russia and Syria have a long standing mutual defense pact.  I should mention Iran is part of it as well.  Our hands will be tied. Russia is obligated to defend Syria. So is Iran.  Any decision to retaliate to an attack on Syria is now completely out of our hands.  The treaty comes into affect.  Let me tell you what WILL happen in response to a missile attack on Damascus.  There will certainly be a response.  An emphatic response.  A response that could make your missile attack the worst blunder in military history.  Believe me, it pains me to say all of this, you seem like a perfectly decent fellow, but I am simply stating fact, The response will be swift and will greatly exceed  the magnitude of any missiles fired at Damascus. Nothing will be off the table for us.  Nothing. Think of the worst thing that could happen.  You see, the purpose of our mutual defense pact is to deter any future first strikes aimed at us.  The deterrence must be severe, emphatic and absolute.  It has to be.  Otherwise why do it in the first place?  The intent of the mutual defense pact is simple.  To eliminate the possibility of future acts of aggression through an overwhelming and unmistakable counterattack.  It is intended to keep the peace by making an act of war a very, very bad idea.

B: ……..uh, notwithstanding all of that, you, uh, need to remember that Syria has crossed a red line.  Not my red line, you understand,  but the worlds red line. That calls for a very strong signal to the Assad regime is the only possi-

V: Please, my friend, I am not unaware of the political realities that exist. 

(hands over a piece of paper)

Please, here is a list of targets you will use.  Feel free to begin a two day missile barrage on the indicated date at these targets only.  After the two days, go ahead and declare that the al-Assad regime has had its chemical weapons stockpile severely degraded.  No one will contradict you, I promise.  There will be no military response from us. Or Iran. And I also personally guarantee that the Syrian regime will not gas any more children as long as you are President of the United States. We have both achieved our goals then.  Russia keeps its gas pipeline.  America sends a powerful signal to the al-Assad regime. 

B: ….

V: And as for your meeting with the Gay Rights Advocates and the concessions I’m prepared to make. I have very good news.  You may go ahead and tell them that Russia has softened its stance.  Any gay athlete who wins a medal may go ahead and raise a rainbow flag while on the podium as an act of solidarity with kindred spirits all over the world. There will be no arrests, no repercussions of any kind.  It will be a great signal and a clear victory for you and your advocates.

B: …..

V: Now, please forgive me.  I am late for my meeting with Gazprom.  And after that I’m meeting with Dilma, Xi and Manmohan.  Nothing that would interest you, I don’t think.  And, of course, you have that big meeting with your gay advocate friends.

B:……

______________________________________________________________________________

B: That was easy.  I knew he’d listen to reason.  OK, get a speech ready for me.  Assad is going to get a signal he’ll never forget.  I always back up what I say! Now everyone will see the real me!  Tell John that I have all new targets.  Better targets.

And, Reggie, wait until you hear the news I have for gay athletes at the next Olympics.  I can’t wait to tell everyone. 

______________________________________________________________________________

V: Dear Lord.  What an imbecile.  But as my grandfather said, he may turn out to be useful yet.  Too bad he only has three years left.  The knock out punch will come.  There’s no doubt about that. 

Hmmmm.  Hey, Ivan, send a thank you note.  Thank him for all his great advice.  Yada. Yada. Yada.  And remind him that there's really no problem getting a third term if he wants.  Just do what I did, change the law.  


______________________________________________________________________________

Fakegate or A Bleak Leak From Gleick

Jan 13 2012

(Peter Gleick in his office)

Gleick: What idiots!! What morons!! HOW can you have a dialogue with people like this? HOW can you REASON with people who DON'T KNOW ANYTHING?  Idiots.  Morons.

(Rob walks in)

Rob: Whoa there, boss.  It’s Taylor again, isn't it?  What did he do this time?

Gleick: (Calming down) You are not going to believe this. Those assholes at Heartland are trying to get me to be their “entertainment” at some stupid convention they’re having.  Can you believe it? They actually think climate change is funny! Will they be laughing when the last polar bear floats away on an iceberg? What idiots!

Rob: They want you to be their entertainment?

Gleick: Aaahh, they say they want me to “debate” that idiot Taylor. HOW DO THEY EXPECT ME (picks up his MacArthur Genius Award) TO DEBATE SOMEONE WHO KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT CLIMATE SCIENCE??  HOW?? WHAT IDIOTS!!  This Taylor guy is a paid liar. That’s all. I’ll debate a climate scientist any day of the week.  Just name the time and place. But debating someone who DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT is a complete waste of time!!

Rob: So what did you tell them?

Gleick:  It really fricken burns me up.  They try to come across all polite and everything.  What do you think I told them?  I told them to fuck off, of course.  OK, I haven’t replied just yet.  

(Pause)  

Rob: What?

Gleick: Hmmm.  You know something?  I think this might actually be an opportunity. Yes…. Yes. Those idiots at Heartland have absolutely no idea who they are screwing with.  Especially that Taylor guy.  He’s the biggest idiot of all.  You can’t debate a guy like that.  It’s a complete waste of time. There is a consensus on climate change.  A CON-SEN-SUS! End of story. But his head is too fricken thick to get it. He keeps talking about all these meaningless articles from people no ones’s ever heard of.  I don’t even bother reading them.  No one does.  What an idiot.

Rob: You’re right, boss.  You can’t even talk to these guys. Sounds like you have some kind of plan though….

Gleick: (Chuckle) Well, let’s just wait and see what happens.  First, there’s NO WAY I’m going to be someone’s “entertainment”.   But listen, I've been trying like crazy to get Heartland to release their list of donors.  We release the name of every single one of our donors, right?  It’s called transparency, right?  If the deniers at Heartland won’t listen to reason then maybe someone should contact their donors and talk sense to them, right?  Heheheheh.  

Feb 13 2012

Rob: So what happened, boss?

Gleick: Heheheheh.  Well, just like I predicted, the idiots won't release their donor list.

Rob: What did they say?

Gleick: Aahhh, the usual crap about how they’re all worried that their donors would start getting harassed. Why would they even think that?  No one has ever harassed our donors, right?  What babies.  And big deal if douche bags like the Koch brothers have to answer a few questions. Serves them right.

Rob: So, that’s the end of it?

Gleick:  Hehehehheheh. The end of it? Au contraire mon ami.  This is just the beginning.  Mmmmph, chuckle. HAHAHAHA.  You just watch and see what happens next.  Those liars at Heartlessland should never have tried to make me their entertainment.  They have absolutely no idea that they have just screwed themselves. 

(Gleick starts to feverishly type out an e-mail)

Feb 6 2012

Gleick: (to himself) it was so easy.  So, so, easy.  The credulous idiots sent me everything I asked for.  All I had to do was pretend to be a Heartland board member.  HAHAHA.  They didn't even check anything.  The idiots.  And now I have all their confidential board documents in nice neat PDF files!  All their plans.  Their schemes.  And best of all – I HAVE THEIR SECRET DONOR LIST!! Gleick, you genius!  You've DONE IT!

Hmmm.  But now I guess I should read all this stuff.  Might take all day.  There’s quite a lot of stuff.  Why do they have to make all these documents so long?  Who has time to wade through all this bullshit? 

(Gleick starts to read the files)

Holy shit! Look at this!  What assholes.  They’re going to target grade-schoolers with their anti science horseshit.  I can’t believe this.  And it’s all going to be funded by the Koch brothers!  I knew it!  This is gold.  And look at this! It’s all here.  They want to shut down all debate. The fuckers must realize that my Forbes blog makes too much sense.  They want to shut me out!  They think that if they just yell loud enough over and over that people will start to believe their crap!  Well it doesn't work that way!  When will these assholes realize that the SCIENCE IS SETTLED!! SETTLED!! SE – TTLED!!

(Calms down)

Heheheheheh.  Mmmph.  Chortle. Heheheheheh.  I've got it.  I know exactly what I have to do.

(Starts to frantically type something)

Feb 14 2012

(Rob walks into Gleick’s office)

Rob: Boy, I've never seen you so happy.  I guess you've seen what that Heartland Insider guy sent around to everyone.  Looks like Heartland is finally screwed.  Did you see all the stuff that got sent?

Gleick: Mmmph, chortle.  Yeah, you could say that.  Chortle.

It’s karma, my friend.  When you act like a bunch of lying assholes, this is what happens to you.  It’s over for them. Over.  They’re done.  All their schemes, all their secret plans and best of all, their list of secret donors is finally revealed to the world.  They’re done.  And it couldn't happen to a more deserving bunch.  Maybe next time they’ll decide to believe the science.  What is wrong with them anyway? 97% of scientists are with us.  

Rob: 97%.  Wow.

Gleick: It’s actually closer to 98% but it’s better to go with the 97%.  We don’t want anyone to get the idea we’re overstating things.

Rob: Makes sense

Gleick: That Heartland Insider is a hero.  Plain and simple.  A HERO.  Look at this. 

Two days later

(Lawyer in expensive suit enters Gleick’s office.  He gets right to the point.)

Lawyer: OK, you’re going to have to resign and release a statement that you are the “Heartland Insider” and that you obtained the documents from Heartland through illicit means.

Gleick: (SPLUTTER) What are you talking about?  Are you fucking crazy? I didn't do any of those things.  I CAN’T believe you’re going to listen to those Internet loonies.  There is NOT A SHRED OF EVIDENCE that I did any of that stuff.  NOT A FUCKING SHRED! SO FUCK YOU! Yeah, that’s right.  FUCK YOU!

Lawyer:  Listen to me carefully, Gleick, and try to follow along. I’m only going to say this once.  Personally I don’t care about any of this climate change crap.  I don’t care if the Maldives disappear.  I don’t care if Manhattan disappears under 1000 feet of water.  I don’t even care if the entire continent of Antarctica melts and the whole goddamn world gets flooded.  I only care about one thing.  And that “one thing” is making absolutely sure that this organization does not suffer any adverse consequences from any of your screw ups.

Gleick: Now, waitaminnit…

Lawyer: You set up a Gmail account, impersonated a Heartland Board member, obtained confidential documents, wrote your own Heartland "Strategy" document and  publicly disseminated the whole thing.

Gleick:  Let ME be clear. There is no proof whatso-

Lawyer: Just trace the IP address of the e-mails back to the originating computer.

Gleick:  AHA! Gmail doesn't include the original IP address on the e-mail!  I set, I mean The Heartland Insider guy set up a Gmail account so it’s impossible to trace anything.  Let me explain to you -

Lawyer:  The Gmail server keeps a log of all access so there absolutely is a record of the originating computer. It’s just not included in the e-mail.

Gleick: ...

Lawyer: All someone has to do is search all these computers and match the IP address...

Gleick: Ha! They can search our computers till their faces turn blue.  They want to search the computers?  Fine! Let them search the compu-

Lawyer: They’ll also search personal laptops.

Gleick: ...

Lawyer: And the forged “Strategy" document might as well have your picture and signature on it.

Gleick: uh...

Lawyer: You say you got it in the mail?  Did you keep the envelope it came in? No, you didn't.  And, we've done an analysis of the PDF metadata just like the rest of the world already has.  Time stamped Pacific time. Heartland is in Chicago.  Used an Epson scanner, like that one over there,  Also, an OCR analysis.  A Zipf review. Shows whoever wrote it doesn't know how to use commas or brackets.  Uses odd wording. Do you know anyone else around here who doesn't know how to use commas or brackets and uses odd wording?  

Gleick: ....

Lawyer: And this “Strategy" document doesn't even include any strategy.  No letterhead.  No signatory. Nothing.  Just a rehash of details from the actual confidential files.  The only original thing -  it mentions you – Peter Gleick – as the notorious scourge of Heartland.

Gleick:  HA! That’s what I mean.  I couldn't have written it.  There’s no way I'd be dumb enough to use my own name in a document that I was making up!

Lawyer: ...

Gleick: ... right?

Lawyer:  Uh, yeah.  

Now listen to me. We're talking identity theft. Fraud. Forgery. Defamation. Document theft. The list goes on. If all this sticks, you are in some serious trouble. So this is what we’re going to do. We’ll use a “Limited Hangout” approach.  You’ll come clean on stealing the documents.  We've already prepared a press release.  We say the usual stuff about you getting frustrated with Heartland and the only thing you wanted to do was to have an honest dialogue.  We’ll do an internal review saying that everything in the press release has been verified. We won’t mention anything about the Strategy Document. Limited Hangout.  You’ll be reinstated in six months. We’ll get some big names to say how happy they are that you've been fully exonerated. We may have a little trouble getting you reinstated as the chairman of the AGU's task force on ethics though.

Anyway, in six months, with any luck, this whole thing will have blown over.  I've already been in touch with Heartland and advised them that if they have any ideas about launching a civil suit against you we’ll subpoena every e-mail from each and every one of their donors for the last 20 years.  And there’s no way any district attorney in Illinois or California will take any action against a group like us especially against a group like Heartland.  So we don’t need to worry about that.

Gleick:  I’d like to write the press release.

Lawyer:  Pardon? 

Gleick:  I’d like to write the press release.

Lawyer:  (Grimaces) I’m done here. You’re not writing anything.  You write the press release and this whole thing blows up in our face.  Don’t say anything to anybody at anytime for any reason about any of this. You're not even thinking of putting out your own press release, I hope. Let me repeat: Don't do anything.  Don't say anything.  Got it?  If you get any bright ideas about anything, anything at all, do us all a favor and DON'T DO ANYTHING!  Let me handle this. 

Feb 20 2012

(Rob walk into Gleick’s office)

Rob: You’re a genius, boss.  At first I couldn't believe you were the Heartland insider.  No one could.  No one saw it coming at all.   But this sting operation you pulled on Heartland has made you a hero.  Give them a taste of their own medicine.  You gotta fight fire with fire.  We’ll miss you around here but they tell me you’ll be back pretty soon. You've done it!  Heartland has been exposed once and for all.

Gleick:  Um, yes.  Things seem to working out great. Admitting to being the HeartlandInsider was part of the plan all along. 

Um, by the way, can you do me a favor?  Can you toss my scanner and laptop and some of this other junk into the garbage?  I've ordered all new stuff.

Rob: Sure no problem.  I’ll leave it by the elevator so the guy will take it.

Gleick: No! Don’t do that!  I don’t want anyone to know I’m getting new stuff. You know how it is.  Then everyone will want new stuff. Take everything to the dumpster by the construction site near where you live.

Rob: ...

Gleick: And make sure no one sees you. Right?  No need to do anything stupid.

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