The Secret Plan to Take Down Trump

(In the main Conference Room.  A meeting of the Heads of all the major TV networks)

OK.  Let’s get right down to business.  We, I mean, Hillary, is barely ahead of Trump.  It’s time to take stock.  Are we doing all we can?  Gentlemen, the floor is open.

It’s the lying.  Trump lies so much that my team of fact checkers goes home exhausted every single night. They can’t keep up.  Our fact checking team has analyzed every single word he’s said since the campaign started and we have him at a 97% lying score.

Hmmm.  Seems a little low.

I know.  Practically every single word out of his mouth is a lie.  Last week he was being interviewed by Matt Lauer and the first thing out of Trump’s mouth was “Good Morning”.  I could hardly freaken believe it!

Uh, what’s wrong with that?

IT WASN’T THE MORNING ANYMORE!! It was 10 MINUTES PAST NOON!!!  And the worst thing was Matt Lauer.  He just SAT THERE like a potted plant …..and he didn’t even call him on it!!!

Um….OK.  But, I think we need to be somewhat reasonable here.  So…TELL LAUER HE’S FIRED!! His career is OVER!  And if he doesn’t like it?  Tough!  Tell him he can go work for the Trump campaign.  OK. Next.  What other Trump lies are starting to catch on?

Well, he keeps saying that Hillary has no stamina.  And now there’s all these ALT-Right Internet rumors that Hillary has health problems…

Uh, pardon me for even asking, I want to be fair here; does Hillary have any health problems that we should know about?

(silence)

(He’s thrown out of the meeting)

Geesus….Health Problems?? Is everyone completely stupid?  I’m so tired of the bullshit.  I have never in my entire life seen a healthier 69 year old grandmother.  I mean it’s amazing.  How many concussions has she had? And you can hardly even tell.  Would you be able to run for President with that many concussions?  I doubt it.  And that blood clot in her brain? Doesn’t affect her in the least.  I mean she is heal-thy.  Maybe even too healthy.

We’re all agreed on that, right?

Uh…but…you know those thick, black, glasses that she wears that make her look like a ree-…..uh…..never mind.  Ah, it’s like you said.  She’s super healthy.  In fact, it’s unbelievable how healthy she is.

OK.  Good!  That’s right.

OK, now.  Trump’s campaign should have completely collapsed by now, right?  Hillary is running a brilliant campaign.  And, we’re all doing our part. The people are really getting to know her.  Which is great.  But the problem is that the people still haven’t quite figured out what a hateful, racist, liar Trump is.  Hillary has been spending way too much time talking policy and not nearly enough time attacking Trump!  Well, that’s all going to change.  Starting today!

Um, I have an idea.  Maybe we could do a prime time special comparing Trump to Hitler?  The two are so similar that it’s positively eerie.  People don’t quite realize it.  I mean, Bush was a lot like Hitler.  So was McCain.  And Romney was practically a Hitler clone.  But Trump is so much like Hitler that it’s off the charts.  Our biggest problem is actually coming up with a way to emphasize how much like Hitler Trump actually is.  In fact, in most ways he’s worse than Hitler.

Bingo!  That’s it!  Trump IS worse than Hitler.  So all we need to do is….. find someone that’s even worse than Hitler and then show all the ways  that Trump is even worse then THAT guy!!

Brilliant!  THAT will be the next prime time special.  Ben, you’re in charge.  Have that special ready by Tuesday.  Don’t let me down.  This is so great!  Trump is finished now for sure.

OK.  This is going great.  But remember, its always smart to do more of what’s working.  And I’m getting a lot of great feedback on our TV ad of Trump imitating that handicapped guy. It’s absolute gold.  We’re running it on a 24 hour loop in some swing states.  But I think we can do more.

Ideas, gentlemen. Ideas.  We really need to run with this.  We’ve been holding back.  Who is this handicapped reporter guy anyway?? How come none of us have ever interviewed him on TV? He’s got a great story to tell.  People can understand him when he’s talking, I assume, right?  This is our secret weapon to destroy Trump once and for all!  I mean, what kind of sick bastard goes around mocking handicapped people?

He wasn’t mocking a handicapped person.   He was doing an imitation of a flustered guy caught in a lie trying to scramble his way out of it.  That’s one of Trumps go to moves.  Imitating flustered guys. There’re videos of him doing the exact same thing to other people even including Ted Cruz.

Who said that? 

WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT??!!!

Trump didn’t even know the guy. You think he knows every reporter there is?

IT WAS AN EXACT IMITATION!! OF COURSE HE KNEW HIM!!

You got any proof of that?

Get the fuck out of here.  Who the hell are you anyway?

That reporter is extremely articulate and very well spoken.  Trump was doing his flustered guy imitation.  It was nothing like the reporter at all. Spend 30 seconds researching it and see for yourself.  Anyway, I’m done here.  Good luck with the campaign.

Go fuck yourself.

(the guy empties the last garbage can and leaves)

(silence)

Ok .Finally.  Now that that idiots gone we can get back to work.  I want the “Trump Imitating the Handicapped Guy” ad running round the clock in every state from now until Nov 8. I want pictures of both of them on billboards, on buses, magazines, everything!  I want outreach to every handicapped person in the country!  Trump showed his true colors mocking this handicapped guy!  This is our best shot at dragging Hillary across the finish line!  And we’re going to run with this no matter what, right to the VERY END!!!

Cracking the Obama Code

(Part 1 of a transcript from the Gene Darvas show)

Gene:  My first guest has written a very important book. It’s called “Cracking the Obama Code.  How to Tell When the President is Lying and When He’s Telling the Truth”.  Please give a nice welcome to author, Louis Roederer.

( Applause. Mr Roederer takes a seat across from Gene)

Gene:  Hello, Louis. I can call you Louis?  Thank you, Louis, for being here.  It is truly a pleasure to finally meet you.

LR:  A great pleasure to be here, Gene. I watch your show as often as I can.

Gene: Thank you. “Cracking the Obama Code.  How to Tell When the President is Lying and When He’s Telling the Truth”.  A very provocative title.  What would you like to tell us about your new book?

LR:  Well, Gene. The most surprising conclusion that I came to while researching the book is a little shocking – President Obama actually doesn't lie all that much.

(Gasps from audience.  Gene nearly falls out of his chair)

Gene:  What? Whoa. Whoa.   

LR:  Now hear me out.  While it does turn out to be true that President Obama doesn't lie all that much, it’s equally true that he almost never tells the truth.  And that’s what my book is all about.  I show my readers how they can know with 100% certainty when the president is lying and when the President, on those rare occasions, is telling the truth.

Gene:  Okay. Very interesting.  But, first you say he doesn't lie all that much.  Then you say he barely ever says anything truthful.  The man speaks morning, noon and night.  He’s always campaigning, fundraising, making these so-called landmark speeches, so what s going on?  Is he lying, telling the truth, or what?

LR:  Great question, Gene.  One that really gets to the heart of what my book is about.  And what I have discovered about President Obama is that everything he says, every word that comes out of his mouth, always falls into one of four categories. I teach my readers how to identify each category.  And once you know which category he’s in, you will know with  100% certainty if he’s lying or telling the truth.

Gene:  Fascinating Louis. Absolutely fascinating.  But as the old joke goes.  How do you know when a politician is lying?   Answer - When he says something.

(Laughter)

LR:  Turns out not to be true, Gene. 

Gene:  Tell us about the four categories.  So, how can we break the Obama Code?

LR:  It’s actually very easy.  Everything President Obama says.  Every word.  Falls into one of four categories.  I’m going to list the categories and reveal the secrets to identifying each category.  And once you've done that, you have cracked the Obama Code.  And will ALWAYS know if the President is lying or if you've stumbled across one of those rare occasions when the President has slipped up and is actually telling the truth.

(Audience gets very quiet.  Gene leans forward)

Gene:  Go on. Please.

LR:  Listen carefully. The four categories are Blather, Regular Lie, Ridiculous Lie and Truth. 

(Mr. Roederer continues…)

Gene, you made a very telling point earlier when you pointed out that president is always talking but is never actually lying or telling the truth.  He’s actually not saying anything of substance at all.  He’s in the Blather zone.  This is President Obama’s comfort zone.  Generalities.  Rhetoric. Tripe. Reading speeches from the teleprompter.  Repeating talking points to his media friends.  Blather.  90 %, or more, of what President Obama says falls into this category.  Blather.

Gene:  But people eat up this Blather, don’t they, Louis?

LR: Yes they do Gene.  That’s why he’s in the Blather zone so often.  It’s where he’s most effective. But be careful, Gene.  The ones eating up the Blather are his friends in the media, his Democratic allies and, of course, his army of sycophantic followers.  None of these groups care about what he says, they only care that he’s saying something that sounds good.  I have a whole chapter about this phenomenon in the book.  If you’re looking for substance, some detail, some perspective, insights, forget it.  An Obama speech sounds like something a teenager running for class President would say. Empty platitudes.  But to his hordes of delirious followers anything Obama says instantly propels them into leg tingling ecstasy.

Gene:  Yes. So true.  So true.  Ok. What about the next category you mentioned?  The “Regular Lie”.

LR:  This is where it starts to get interesting.  President Obama will occasionally slip out of Blather and come out with a Regular Lie.  My book will teach anyone to recognize the Regular Lie but it does take a little practice.  But, I assure you, the practice will be well worth the effort. 

Gene:  Go on.

LR:  These lies are usually scripted to be read off of the teleprompter or are part of pre-arranged talking points.  These lies are often part of a campaign speech or you will suddenly see a whole bunch of Democrats on TV all over the place saying the exact same thing.  That’s usually a good tip off.  But here’s the secret to easily recognizing the Regular Lie – whenever President Obama says something that a typical leftie would think a Republican would agree with, then he’s lying.

(Audience murmurs)

Gene:  I see….

LR:  My research revealed one very important truth about President Obama.  That he’s a moron.  But he’s a moron with an important twist.  He doesn't know that he’s a moron.  He believes that everyone else is a moron except him.  It’s a very interesting dynamic.

Gene:  yes…yes…

LR:  So he will often says something that he thinks will appeal to the conservatives out there. Here’s a very simple example.  The president is constantly going around saying that “The deficit has been cut in half”. Any Republican would like to hear that right?

Gene:  And the rule says that whenever the President says something that a leftie would think a Republican would like – he’s lying!

LR:  Exactly.  This is a typical Obama lie.  His followers couldn't care less about what he says.  Only that he’s saying something. Anything. But a Republican will do the one thing that Obama would never suspect that anyone would do.  The Republican will check to see if what Obama says is true!

Gene:  Hmmm.  Yes.  I see what you mean.

LR:  The debt has exploded under this President.  Absolutely fricken exploded.  And every year the deficits are at historic highs.  Three minutes of research will easily confirm what is obvious to anyone with even a passing interest in economics or even a minimum amount of common sense.

Gene:  So why would the President even say that the deficit is cut in half??

LR:  You’ll have to read the book, Gene.

Gene:  Haha.  I’m reading it this weekend for sure. 

LR:  So just to recap.  The Regular Lie is one that Obama says because he thinks he’s saying something that a Republican will like.  There’s lots more examples in the book.  But I encourage your viewers to test this category out for themselves.  It’s infallible.

Gene:  So, what’s the next category?

LR:  The next category is actually a lot of fun. This category is called the Ridiculous Lie.  A lie so outrageous, so preposterous, that only an idiot could believe it.

Gene:  Like what?

LR:  The Ridiculous Lie isn't very common but when President Obama comes out with one, an informed listener can easily spot it.  Again, it bears repeating - his army of brainwashed trucklers don’t care what he says, only that he’s saying something.  The president and his handlers load up the teleprompter with something so outrageous, so ridiculous, that it becomes absolutely staggering that they think anyone would believe it.

Gene:  Like when the President kept saying that Obamacare would make everyone’s health care premiums go down by $2,500 a year?

LR:  Bingo!  Yes.  A perfect example.  A lie so bald-faced, a statement so obviously untrue, that it reveals a peculiar contempt for the citizenry.

Gen:  Any more examples?

LR:  A whole chapter in the book Gene.  It’s my favorite chapter.  But I encourage your viewers to recall those statements that the President made that are so ludicrous that it’s hard to believe that a grown man would even say it.

Gene: Ok, you've covered Blather which you explained was the category President Obama was most comfortable and where he spends 90% of his time.  Empty rhetoric.  Meaningless platitudes.  Republicans roll their eyes.  But Liberals fall into paroxysms of euphoria.

LR:  Mmm hmm.

Gen: And you've covered the Obama Regular Lie.  A statement disguised as something that a dull witted leftie would convince himself that a Republican would like to hear.

LR:  Yes.

Gene:  And the Obama Ridiculous Lie.  A lie so blatant and bald-faced that, and there’s no other way to say it, that, only an idiot could believe it.

LR: Yep.

Gene:  So that brings us to the fourth and last category in cracking the Obama Code – Truth.

LR:  Yes. And a very important category, Gene.  The whole book leads up to this category because it’s so important.  It’s very liberating when you can know with 100% certainty when President Obama is speaking the truth.

Gene:  So he does tell the truth sometimes?

LR:  He certainly does.  But I need to make a very important distinction before we go any further.  When I talk about “Truth” as a category, I’m very clearly talking about “Obama Truth”.  What President Obama believes to be the truth,   And that’s what really important,.  We need to know what HE believes to be the truth.  He’s the President.  He has a lot of power.  It’s important to know what he really believes.  Since he never explains what he actually believes, the only way we can get glimpses of “Obama truth” are when he’s off the teleprompter or when he slips up in a casual conversation, he screws up a question at a press conference where his handlers make the mistake of letting him take questions or maybe there’s a “hot” mike.  Something like that.

Gene: Yeah, those situations don’t happen all that often do they.

LR:  No they don’t.  Obama’s handlers have learned that they can’t risk letting the President off of the teleprompter or to take unscripted questions…

Gene:  because…because… he’s bound to say something stupid.

LR:  Exactly! And that, right there, is the secret to cracking the Obama Code.  The secret to knowing when the President says something that he believes to be the truth …is when he says something stupid!

(Gasps from the audience.  Gene starts nodding his head vigorously)

Gene:  Yes,  Yes,  So simple.  But so true. 

LR:  Think of anytime President Obama is “being himself”, he’s off the teleprompter, he’s mingling with the people , or when his handlers can’t get him out of taking a few questions at an overseas press conference

Gene:  And you say these examples are comparatively rare.

LR: Yes.  But I should mention that “Obama Truth” can be broken down further into two separate categories.  The first category is when he says something stupid to an easy question.  He should have kept his mouth shut but for whatever reason he feels compelled to say something.

Gene: Like pronouncing “Corpsman” -- “Corpse-man” or saying that they speak Austrian in Austria?

LR:  Yes. Two good examples.  And there are lots more like that.  Lots more.  These aren't slips of the tongue like Bush sometimes made.  These are examples of Obama not even having the basic knowledge that a functioning grown up should have. The book has lots more examples. 

Gene: These examples are pathetic in a way.  They show how dumb Obama is but they don’t really tell us much about his world view.

LR:  Right.  Take this example.  President Obama says, “The Cambridge police acted stupidly”.  This is a very stupid thing for the President to say.  He didn't have all the facts yet.  It’s inflammatory.  He throws away the opportunity to say something statesmanlike.  It’s just a stupid thing to say. 

Gene:  So that means he believes it to be true? Even with no facts to back him up.

LR.  Correct.  Or when Joe the Plumber asks him about taxes on his small business, the President doesn't address the details of the tax but instead he says “I think when you spread the wealth around it’s good for everybody”

Gene:  It’s stupid because what Obama says has nothing to do with the point the guy was raising but tells us quite a bit about the President’s political philosophy.

LR: Right again.  The beauty of cracking the Obama Code is its almost mathematical precision.  It’s simple.  Yet, one hundred percent reliable.  It just takes a little practice to recognize the categories.

Gene:  Louis, my producers are asking if you can stay for another segment.  Our audience has so many questions.  Before we let you get away can you teach us how to categorize some of President Obama’s most recent statements?  On Ferguson? On Immigration?  On the Middle East?  The mid terms?  And a lot more.

LR:  I’d be happy to stay, Gene.

(End of Part 1)

________________________________________________________________________

Quiz -- Could You Be the Next President of the United States?

Circle the best response.

1)      Why would Hamas deliberately endanger its civilians and children by launching rockets from schools and hospitals?

a)     Hamas is a depraved death cult with no regard for human life.

b)      Hamas sometimes resorts to unconventional methods in order to counter Israel's military superiority.

c)    I'm no military planner but I'd say it's because Gaza is pretty small

2)      A US ambassador and three others are killed in what turns out to be an orchestrated attack on an unprotected consulate.  Who is responsible for the attack?

a)      This attack carries all of the signs of an al Queda operation designed to kill an American ambassador on the anniversary of 9-11.

b)      This seems to be the spontaneous actions of opportunistic locals.

c)      WHAT, AT THIS POINT, DOES IT MATTER?

3)      Your spouse leaves elected office and immediately signs a $14 million book deal,  You sign an $8 million dollar book deal.  How would you describe your financial situation?

a)      We've been very blessed financially and are thankful for what we have.

b)      We certainly deserved it after all the sacrifices we made.

c)      We were dead broke.

4)      Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi, who had given up his nuclear weapons program and had been relatively quiet for some years, was dragged through the streets and  brutally murdered by street thugs during a US backed uprising.  What are your comments?

a)      This entire series of events was not well thought out and has not served US interests in any way.

b)      We led from behind.

c)      We came.  We saw.  He died.  Hahaha.

5)     The scene is Andrews Air Force Base.  A Memorial Service is in progress to honor the four victims of the Benghazi terrorist attack.  You are the Secretary of State.  You are to meet with the father of slain SEAL, Tyrone Woods, who answered a call for help and was killed defending the US consulate.  As representative of the US Government you want to say something meaningful.  What do you say to the grieving parent?

a)      I am so sorry for your loss.  Your son died a hero’s death in service of his country.

b)      This seems to be the spontaneous actions of opportunistic locals

c)      I promise you that we are going to have the person who made that video arrested and prosecuted.

6)     Look at that iconic picture taken in the Situation Room the night Osama Bin Laden was killed by SEAL Team 6.  You are all gathered around the table watching events unfold.  The tension is understandably thick.  So thick that the Secretary of State has her hand covering her mouth.  Were events too much for her?

a)      I wouldn't read too much into anything. Since there was no live feed of the operation what are they even looking at?  And it looks to me that “you-know-who” was off playing cards or something and actually had to be photo shopped into the official picture.

b)      Osama Bin Laden was killed on Obama’s watch.  That’s what’s important here.

c)      I am somewhat sheepishly concerned that it was my preventing one of my early spring allergic coughs.

7)      You begin trading Cattle Futures with a $1000 investment and in eight months turn that sum into $100,000.   How could someone mange such a feat.

a)      They couldn't. It’s impossible.  The odds are at least 250 million to one.  This would be like someone buying their first pair of figure skates today and then winning the Olympic gold medal in figure skating tomorrow.

b)      Well, obviously we are dealing with a highly intelligent person here.

c)      I managed the whole thing on my own from reading the Wall Street Journal.

 8)     You arrive at the US Air Force base in Tuzla, Bosnia where you are greeted by a delegation, which includes an 8 year old school girl, for an official ceremony taking place right there on the tarmac.

a)      Just another photo-op.  Nothing unusual. See for yourself. The whole thing is on You-Tube.

b)      It reminds me of Eleanor Roosevelt visiting the troops.  Very inspiring.

c)      I remember landing under sniper fire.  There was supposed to be some kind of greeting ceremony, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base.

  9)   You meet Sir Edmund Hillary at an official function and inexplicably blurt out that you were named after him. Even though you were already six years old when he climbed Mount Everest.  What is your comment?

a)      Hey, that’s what some politicians do.  Say anything to ingratiate themselves with someone.

b)      If you believe something when you say it, it’s not a lie.

c)      The story is true.  Remember, Edmund Hillary was also once a notable bee keeper in New Zealand.  Back in Chicago, my mother was always interested in bee keeping so she named me after Edmund Hillary the beekeeper – well before he ever climbed Mt Everest.  

10)     When you voted to give President Bush the authority to use military force in Iraq you said this:

“In the four years since the inspectors left, intelligence reports show that Saddam Hussein has worked to rebuild his chemical and biological weapons stock, his missile delivery capability, and his nuclear program.  He has also given aid, comfort, and sanctuary to terrorists, including al Queda members…It is clear, however, that if left unchecked, Saddam Hussein will continue to increase his capacity to wage biological and chemical warfare, and will keep trying to develop nuclear weapons.”

a)      Couldn't have said it better myself.

b)      Bush somehow manipulated the intelligence reports.

c)      My vote was clearly intended to show support for UN inspections only.

Evaluating your answers.

Mostly a’s :  You are a teabagger. Forget about running for President.  In fact, if you want to do something good for America, why don’t you move to another country?

Mostly b’s :  A little better.  You show some promise.

Mostly c’s:  Congratulations.  You are a true Democrat and the perfect candidate to be the next President of the United States.

_______________________________________________________________________

(Prof C turns away from the computer and looks over to Rob)

Prof C: What is this supposed to be? Is it supposed to be funny?  Because I don’t get the joke.  Someone makes up a bunch of quotes and pretends that Hillary Clinton said them?  Is that supposed to be funny?

Rob: All the quotes are actual quotes

Prof C: Yeah, right. 

Rob: You can look them all up for yourself any time you want to.

Prof C:  All taken way out of context, of course.

Rob: Quite the opposite.  All taken in context.  Look them up.

Prof C: Links please.  Where are the links?  That should tell you something right there

Rob:  Yeah. It tells me you’re too lazy to do a simple search.  If this was a story about George Bush walking down the street with his shoes untied, all you lefties would be falling all over yourselves passing around e-mails with links to every leftie website in the world

Prof C:  Aah… I don’t think so.  That whole quiz is bullshit.  And I don’t need to look up anything to know its bullshit. Hillary will be the next President.  You can count on it.

Rob: What if voters started to realize these quotes are all for real?

Prof C:  Well, come to think of it, maybe one of the quotes is authentic,

Rob: …

Prof C:  Even if they were all true, which they aren't, listen carefully to this quote:  “WHAT, AT THIS POINT, DOES IT MATTER?”

Rob:  ....... well, you got me there.

The President Works it Out

June 4 2014

Warsaw Poland

The Marriott Hotel Gym

Barack:   uh……twooo…..thrreeee………four.  Whew.  That was tough.  Geez, I could use a cigarette. Where’s Reggie anyhow?  He was supposed to be my spotter.  I’m already moving up to the heavier weights.  He’s supposed to be here to watch my form.

(Reggie comes hustling into the work out area)

Reggie:  Hey, there he is!  Wow!  Are those the two pound barbells?  Last time you were using the one pounders- the ones you found in the Zumba room.  You’ve already doubled what you can lift?  Amazing.

Barack:  Yeah, well.  You’d never think I haven’t lifted weights before, would you?  Hey, I just got a great idea.  Why don’t you grab your phone and take a video of me pumping iron?  You know, show me really working the old weights.  Then post it on You-tube.

Reggie:  Yeah.

Barack:  Everyone will see that I’m good at lifting weights.

Reggie:  Ok!  Hey, grab those five pounders.  That will really imp—

Barack:  Uhhhhh.  Ahggghhhhh.

Reggie:  Never mind.  It’s ok.  Go back to the two pounders.  Now.  Really work it.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Great.  Got it.  Good idea.  I’ll post the video tonight and by tomorrow everyone will know how strong you are.  Ha.  I wonder what Putin will think of it?

Barack:  Yeah.  He’s always showing off with his judo or whatever. Time to turn the tables on him.  Haha.  I don’t know why he thinks he’s so tough anyway.  I’m just as tough as him, right?

Reggie:  Tougher even.

Barack:  Right.

Reggie: By the way, congratulations on the whole Bergdahl thing.  I have no idea how you managed to pull that off.  Just another part of the Obama legacy.

Barack: Thanks.  Uhhh, well, what you need to remember is what makes these things tough is who you’re dealing with.  I mean, these people are zealots.  They’re crazy.  You cannot reason with them.  They are so filled with hate, it’s unbelievable.

Reggie: Yeah, well that’s Congress for you.

Barack: So, I didn't even bother telling them.  I just went ahead and cut my own deal with the Taliban.

Reggie: Smart.

Barack: Right. So I do all this and get the POW back, so are the Republicans happy?  Ha.  What do you think? Now they’re complaining that this guy is some kind of bad apple and I should have just left him over there.

Reggie:  Is he a bad apple?

Barack: What?  No! What are you talking about? He served with honor and distinction.  But. you know what I did before all this just to make sure?  I had my Secretary of State, John Kerry himself, do a thorough investigation of this Bergdahl guy and give me a full report.

Reggie: Smart, as usual.

Barack: And what happens?  Kerry comes back with the most glowing report you could ever imagine.  I mean, this guy was the greatest soldier ever.  And an even better human being.  Kerry even said that he couldn’t find a single fault with anything that Bergdahl did,  He even said Bergdahl reminded him of himself when he was in the army.

Reggie:  Wow.  So there you go.

Barack:  The Republicans just hate me.  Doesn't matter what I do.  Rescue a POW. And they still nit pick.  Uh, I gotta do a few more reps here.  Hey, help me out here with my alignment.  Yeah.  That feels better.  I gotta add a bit of muscle. I was trying to move a chair last week and I couldn't budge it.  It was like it was bolted to the ground.  So Michelle grabs it with one hand and flings it across the room.

Reggie: ….

Barack:  I thought she was going to fling me next. So she gave me that look and said I better bulk up.

Reggie:  She doesn't know I’m helping you, does she?

Barack: What?  Of course not.

Reggie: So how’d it go with that Polish Prime Minister guy last night?

Barack:  He doesn't listen.  He kept harping on the same old thing.

Reggie: What?  He’s still going on about how you cancelled Bush’s stupid missile defense system? He’s not over that yet?  Dude, that was like five years ago.

Barack: Exactly.  He kept going on and on about it.  And then he kept bringing up uh, Cri..Crimaria, I mean Crimea, I think, and Ukraine. He’s all mad that I cancelled his missile system.  And he’s saying all this stuff about Putin.   He seems to think that all this stuff is related.

Reggie:  And its not.

Barack:  No.   One has nothing to do with another.  Not even a smidgen.  I explained exactly why I cancelled the missile defense system and why Poland doesn't even need it anyway.

Reggie: What did you tell him?

Barack:  First of all I told him the obvious.  This whole missile defense thingy is Bush’s idea so that means only one thing – it’s stupid. Putin even told me that if I scrapped the thing he’d owe me a favor.  So, right off the bat I’m turning Russia from an enemy into a friend!  Smart, eh?

Reggie: But he kept going on about Crimea and Ukraine?

Barack: That’s what I mean.  See.  Putin has made a big mistake with all this invading and, believe me, he won’t do it again.  Look how upset everyone is at him now.  Watch.  At the G8, well the G7 now, (chortle) no one will even talk to him.  He knows he messed up.  I explained all this to him over the phone, Poland has nothing to worry about.  They don’t need a missile defense system.  Why are they being such babies?  The Cold War is over.  Remember that.

Reggie:  Sounds like you've explained everything perfectly.  You’re really on a roll.

Barack:  You can say that again. And you ain't seen nothing yet.  You think getting Bergdahl back was a good move? I've got lots more ideas just as good as that.  You just watch.  You know, I finally realized that there’s no point trying to work with Congress.  They automatically oppose anything I try to do.  So screw them.  Who needs them anyway?  They’re just dead weight.

Reggie:  You can say that again.  So what’s next?  You’ve already done so much.  Obamacare is working out great.  The economy is booming.  You’ve ended two wars.  Looks like Iraq is better than ever.  What could possibly be next?

Barack: Well. I need to get Gitmo completely shut down. Which I’ll easily do.  But the most important thing I need to do to completely cement my legacy is to stop climate change.  I have about two and half years to go. That’s more than enough time for me to figure out how to get the climate back to normal.  Shouldn't be a problem.

Reggie:  Sounds good.

Barack: And. I just got another idea today!  I saw where some city doubled the minimum wage to $15 an hour.  Naturally the Republicans went crazy.  They like it when folks stay poor,  They couldn't care less about them.  So anyway, I got to thinking.  Why stop at $15? So.  I’m going to sign an Executive Order to raise the minimum wage to $25 an hour!  That will completely eliminate poverty once and for all.  Easy peasy.

Reggie: uh….

Barack:  Naturally the Republicans will try to stop me.  They hate it whenever I try to eliminate poverty.  But here’s the best part.

Reggie:  What?

Barack: Only registered Democrats will qualify for the $25 minimum wage.  Republicans will be out of luck.  Hahaha.

Reggie:  Can you do that?

 Barack:  Who’s going to stop me?

________________________________________________________________________

IPCC Damage Control

Sept 28 2013

The IPCC has just released its much anticipated “Fifth Assessment Report Summary for Policy Makers”.

An emergency meeting of the IPCC Board of Directors has been called.

Watson: (sigh) Well, I can’t really say I’m surprised.  Sometimes I wonder what more we can do?  Maybe we should all just go on strike.

(He drops an enormous tome onto the conference room table.  It lands with a loud thud, shakes the table, tipping over the coffee cups.)

Watson: Here it is, gentlemen.  "The Summary for Policy Makers".  Over 2000 pages of iron-clad, rock-solid, incontrovertible evidence that proves Climate Change is for real. And, if we don’t do something about Climate Change now, and I mean right now, well, I don’t have to tell any of you what will happen.

Higgans: No, you certainly don’t.  The dire consequences have all been listed out on pages 350 to 1214.  And, remember, this is just the summary.  Wait until the full report comes out.

Watson: My point exactly, Higgans.  2,000 pages.  Over 400 graphs.  800 eminent climate scientists, every single word meticulously peer-reviewed –

Jacobs: Yes, I personally reviewed all of Bimmelman’s stuff –

Bimmelman: And I reviewed all of Jacobs’ stuff.  And, I must say, it was all excellent.

Watson: That’s what I mean.  So, after all this, what happens?  The denialists ignore 1,999 and half pages and jump all over one paragraph on page 1,843.  Something about a pause.  A warming pause.

Higgans: Yeah, what’s that about anyway?  How did that get in there?

Watson: At this point it doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter how it got in there.  What’s done is done.  And, right on cue, the denialists are making a huge deal about this.  We need to get everyone back on message.  Back on to the vital 1,999 and a half pages.  What we CANNOT do, and what we absolutely will NOT do, is even acknowledge the warming pause or whatever the hell they’re talking about.  If we even so much as address this crazy notion of theirs, the denialists will start acting even more crazy like there’re two sides to this!  And there aren't two sides.  There’s only one side. OUR side. The science is settled. 

Higgans: It sure is.

Bimmelman:You can say that again.

Jacobs: Amen, brother.

Smathers: Yeah, how settled can something get?

Watson: So, that is why I have called you all here.  I need ideas, gentlemen. Good ideas.  We need to sharpen our message so that the public can easily understand what we’re saying.  We need to get public opinion off of this pause stuff and back on us! 

Bimmelman: I might have something.  Something we can include in next months Recap of the Summary.  I've been working on this for almost two years.  My grants almost used up but luckily I’m almost finished.  And this is absolute gold.  The denialists think that pouring all this carbon into the atmosphere doesn't do anything? Well, how about a city where the average temperature has TRIPLED, yes tripled, in only the last 20 years. Talk about Global Warming.

Jacobs: What?  You cannot be serious.  Is this true?

Bimmelman: I have everything right here. I've been closely studying a city in southwest Iceland for the past year, Stykkisholmur.  20 years ago the average year round temperature was 1 degree centigrade.  Well, how about this?  Last year, I personally took the temperature every single day at exactly twelve noon, usually when I’m coming home from my daily visit to the Hot Spring.  And you know what I discovered?  The average temperature is now 3 degrees centigrade.  The temperature has tripled!  Can you imagine what will happen when the temperature in Los Angeles triples?  What will the denialists say then?

(silence)

Watson:  I don’t quite know what to say to that, Bimmelman.  Except…..  Congratulations! You've just earned yourself the feature article in next month’s Summary Recap.  Good work!  Any other good ideas?  Anyone?  You. Higgans.

Higgans: Well, you know how last time we said we were 97% sure that Global Warming was for real and that humans are to blame?  And that this time we’re even more sure – 98%.  Well, I propose that for next months key Summary Recap we show how we’re even more surer now.  We bump it up to 99% certainty.  And then for next years BI-Annual Interim Report we go up to ----

Smathers: Hold on. Wait a minute.  We need to be careful here.  I can’t listen to this without saying something.  We don’t want to look ridiculous.  Are we serious scientists or not? We need to report on exactly where the science leads us.

Watson:  You mean?

Smathers: Exactly.  Let’s not equivocate here.  For next months Summary Recap lets just be right up front and go with our guts – 100% certainty!!

Watson:  Hear, hear! Excellent suggestion, Smathers.  I think you've just come up with the theme for next months report.  100% certainty!

Jacobs:  I've been working on a graph to take the place of the Hockey stick graph.

Higgans:  Gasp. You’re kidding?  That hockey stick is a work of genius.  I mean, even the lamest of lamebrains can see how the temperature was flat for a really long time and then quickly moves up when we start pumping all this carbon into the atmosphere.  It’s brilliant.

Jacobs:  But there’s one problem.  The blade of the hockey stick is too gradual.  It’s taking too long to get really hot.  If you go by the hockey stick it might be another 10 years before we see the real serious flooding,  Who can wait that long?  Look, my Dad was an architect.  So instead of a hockey stick, I used one of his tri squares and re-worked the graph completely. It’s flat for a long time and then at the year 2015 it goes straight up at a 90 degree angle! The temperature goes straight up! Voila, we’re all toast.

Watson: Beautiful.  That will be on the front page of all our upcoming press releases. Bimmelman?

Bimmeleman:  You know how the denialists keep saying that even though there’s way more carbon in the atmosphere, the world isn't getting any hotter?

Jacobs: Yeah…

Bimmeleman: Well, I've been working on a theory that just proves how dumb they all are.  And all I need is to get another grant and I’m positive I can make all those idiots eat their words once and for all.

Watson:  Go on.  What’s the theory?

Bimmeleman: Its simplicity itself.  Like all great theories are.  It goes like this.  The climate has been so screwed up by all the carbon that some places are getting hotter but some places are getting colder!  Some places are getting more rain.  And some places getting less!  You see where this is going??  It all cancels out.  On average nothing has been changing lately!!  Just like the denialists keep saying.  But the absence of change is actually the greatest of all proof that climate change is happening like crazy.  If nothing is happening that’s actually more evidence that climate change is realer than ever.

Watson:  Wow.  Just wow. So, if the temperature is staying the same that’s actually the strongest evidence of all that Climate Change is happening right before our eyes!  I’ll get you that grant, Bimmelman.  And with this theory of yours you might just be out next Michael Mann.  Well done.

Smathers:  Remember how we said that it would never snow in England again?

Jacobs:  Yeah.  And then when it snowed a bit the denialists went crazy.

Smathers:  Exactly.  So what are the odds of it snowing again?  Pretty much zero, right?   So, I hereby decree it won’t ever snow in England, for sure this time.  And when I’m proven right, what will they all say then?

Watson:  Sounds good to me.  Put it in an article and we’ll go with it.

Higgans:  I've been working on a coloring book that we can give out at all the schools.  It’s a way to teach kids about the science behind Global Warming so that they can understand what’s at stake and be part of the solution when they grow up.

Watson:  Sounds good…

Higgans:  Yeah, I have Santa Claus on the front cover.  He’s standing in a puddle of water, the Arctic has all melted.  His ice castle is ruined.  The reindeer are all starving because they don’t have any more food. 

Bimmelman:  Well, the kids have to realize that when the Arctic melts there’re going to be real, actual problems.

Higgans:  Precisely.  And then in the book Santa only gives presents to the kids that recycle and the kids that refuse to get into their parents’ gas guzzling SUVS. 

Jacobs:  Those are good life lessons. 

Higgans:  But the kids can really see the damage caused by Climate Change.  In one chapter a kid’s puppy gets washed away by a flash flood.  In another, this kitten dies of thirst because of a drought.  In another…

Watson: Ok.  Sounds good, Get it finished and we’ll get copies to every school that we can.

Smathers: And I've commissioned a poster for the upcoming ad campaign.  It’s a picture of a koala bear clinging to the top of the last eucalyptus tree surrounded by water as far as the eye can see.  It’s a real attention getter.  The caption?  “This Is What Will Happen If We Don’t Do Something About Climate Change”.

Higgans:  Get those posters into the elementary schools as soon as you can.

Bimmelman: I commissioned a poster too.  Mine shows a Category 5 Hurricane, caused by Climate Change of course, completely destroying Disney World and blowing Mickey Mouse clear into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Jacobs:  Powerful

Watson:  Gentlemen, I’m absolutely chuffed by all the brilliant ideas. You've all come through like I knew you would.

(He begins to speak very emotionally)

Although, I sometimes wonder why we do all this.  All the sacrifices we make.  But then, I always remind myself of the reason.  The only reason, really.

 It’s for the children.

 I warn my daughter about the dangers of climate change every single day. The droughts.  The pestilence. The tornados.  The entire planet flooded. And that’s just for starters.

She’s seven years old.  An angel.  But she already knows what the future will be if we don’t stop Climate Change right now.  She even has nightmares now.  Yesterday she came home from school crying.  It was “Environment Day”.  She was in tears, “Daddy”, she said, “What’s going to happen to us?  Why won’t anyone listen?  The planet is dying.  And no one cares”. 

It was so sad.  Seven years old.  And she basically has no future to look forward to unless......... the denialists start to change their ways.  

________________________________________________________________________

Another Doomed Antarctic Expedition or Maybe There's Something to this "Gore Effect" After All

Diary excerpt recovered from the Shokalskiy......

Tuesday, December 10 2013

Great God.  This is an awful place.

I found myself upon the forecastle, the terrible, gale-force wind, surely over 50 mph, mercilessly tore through my raiment freezing me to the very core.  That’s the last time I leave my cabin without my coat on.

We are here in Antarctica, walking in the footprints of Douglas Mawson; our sacred mission to collect more evidence, to prove once and for all, that Antarctic ice is melting at a frightening rate.  We will soon reach Commonwealth Bay, the very spot Mawson reached 100 years ago sailing safely into the welcoming, unfrozen waters.

Our climate change models all continue to tell us, nay, they continue to shout at us:  that the Antarctic ice is receding at an alarming rate!  Soon we will be able to see our computer models validated.  We will see for ourselves vast expanses of open water.  Where ice used to be.

Wednesday, December 11 2013

Faith is sometimes the only thing we have when everything seems to have turned against us.  Douglas Mawson’s shipmates were men of great faith.   They needed that faith to stay strong, to believe in what they knew to be true despite what their senses told them.  That unshakable faith was the one thing that kept them going, that gave them strength when they needed it, when it seemed impossible to take another step.

Well, let me say something right now. Everyone on this expedition, every single person, has every bit as much faith as anyone on Mawson’s team!

And all of that faith is surely being put to the test because, quite simply, the impossible has happened.  The unimaginable.

We are actually stuck in ice. We are surrounded by miles and miles of six foot deep ice.  Our ship can’t move an inch.   It’s impossible for ice to be here.  It wasn’t here 100 years ago.  And after 100 years of man made global warming there’s no way ice can be here now.  It just can’t.  Every single computer model says the same thing.  The ice has melted.

Faith. 

Like Mawson, my faith is unshakable.   My faith in our computer models is based on science. Science!  And 97% of climate scientists will say the same thing.  There can’t be ice here.  The models can’t all be wrong. 

I believe it’s only a matter of time until all this ice melts and we’re back in open water.  Probably a couple of days at the most.   Maybe a week.    We’ll wait here as long as we have to.  Mark my words. Our faith will be vindicated.  The ice will melt.

Sunday, December 15 2013

The ice hasn’t melted.  We remain stuck.

But in the midst of such incredible bad fortune every single person on this ship has shown incredible resilience and remarkable strength of will.  Despite our predicament we have all kept busy and used our time as productively as possible.  Morale is high.

Since this is a scientific expedition I have been giving daily lectures.  My 1:00 pm talk today on “Surface Meltwater” was sparsely attended, however.  Most on board have wisely used our unfortunate circumstances to catch up on much needed sleep.  Taking note of this, starting tomorrow, I’ll move the lecture start time to 3:00 pm..  Hicksby, in truth, was the only attendee today and after initially enthusiastically engaging with me, he, too, succumbed to the too-early start and was unable to remain awake.

Myers, Shelton, Rigolsby, Turner and some others showing tremendous initiative and resourcefulness spent many hours outside today constructing igloos and also an ice-slide! I can only shake my head in amazement at their skill.  Luckily I was able to dash outside and have a video taken of me on the ingenious ice slide and I quickly posted the video on Facebook and was elated to quickly garner several “likes”.

But, on the darker side, today also provided a sobering test of my leadership position.  Smedley and Crothers led a very angry group of eight and forced their way into my cabin.  These people were not very happy and they loudly demanded that the 6:00 opening time for the bar be eliminated and that the bar be kept open all day.  Outrageous!  In no uncertain terms, I firmly advised the group that this was certainly not going to happen and that the earliest, the absolutely earliest, that I would permit the bar to open would be noon.

 Tuesday, December 17 2013

The gods have truly smiled upon us.  After days of lifeless desolation we have been visited by a magnificent rookery of curious Adelie penguins!  Oh joy.

We were all instantly off the ship and began taking picture after picture.  It’s intensely gratifying to imagine the important contribution these photographs will make to the scientific record.  Adelie penguins in their natural habitat!  Hastings beat all of us and was the first to tweet one of these priceless photographic records!  Seeing an Adelie penguin in a zoo is one thing.  But for someone to see a picture of an actual Adelie penguin while actually still in Antarctica?? Words fail me.

It was amazing to see how these noble Monarchs of the Antarctic would come right up to us as if to welcome us to their kingdom! Humbling to imagine that we are the first humans these majestic creatures have ever encountered. 

And then it was the turn of the marine biologists to go to work.

First it was feather samples.  Skin samples.  And even blubber samples.   Who knows what vital contributions to science these samples would one day provide?  The penguins seemed only too happy to give us whatever we needed.

It took a while but Hopkins was able to attach a tag and transmitter to dozens of our new friends.  And a few were even outfitted with cameras on both their front and back.  It was an amazing sight to see a penguin bravely waddle off whilst laden down with all this new gear attached to him.  He has no idea what an important little fellow he is!!

Hopkins needed some more skin samples but inexplicably found it difficult to round up some more of our new friends.  They all frantically waddled off as fast as they could at the very sight of him.  Hopkins, himself a somewhat rotund man, was still able to run some of them down and obtain the much needed skin and blubber samples.  But, still.  Very odd behaviour. 

Something must have spooked the penguins.  I wonder what it was.  

 

Saturday, December 21 2013

There have already been so many parallels on this trip with the challenges faced by the early explorers such as Shackleton and, of course, Mawson.  But nothing could have prepared us for the sheer emotional intensity many of us felt today. Some couldn’t help but break down in paroxysms of sobbing.  I knew this expedition would affect all of us in unknown ways but it definitely restores your faith in your fellow man - and woman - to experience real emotions at the sheer power wrought by this continent!  Will explain shortly.

Today was the day we walked in the very footprints of Mawson and his doomed companions. 

As we all got onto our amphibious all terrain vehicles, we carefully double checked the gear.  Antarctica is the most unforgiving place on the planet.  Forgetting to pack some essential supply could mean death.  The trip to Mawson’s hut could take as long as three hours.  If our Argos broke down we would not have the option of eating sled dog’s like Mawson was able to do.  We had to rely only on what we could carry.  Ice coring equipment, satellite phones, GPS, penguin survey equipment, medical supplies, sleeping bags, thermal blankets, pillow, propane heater, food, Dutch oven, emergency kit, flares, tent, porta-potty, bottled water, recycling containers, hand wipes.  The Argo was fully loaded but I was still able to climb aboard,

It was a frigid minus six degrees Celsius when we finally made it to Mawson’s cabin.  Hard to believe he was able to survive so long here! I couldn’t help but think he should have made the place bigger.

We took pictures in front of the hut, quickly tweeted them, and began our journey back.  We were all starting to get a little cold and a little hungry.  Tonight the kitchen staff was planning roasted lamb with mint jelly topped off with a Lamington.  We wanted to get back before it was all gone.

 But our day held one more incredible, albeit heartbreaking, surprise for us.

Shortly after passing the exact spot where one of Mawson’s men had tragically fell into a crevasse to his death we were startled by loud cracking sounds! Astounding!  Directly in front of us we were observing huge chunks of ice calving off of a glacier.  We moved in closer.  Oh no.  The glacier was directly adjacent to a penguin nesting ground!  Hundreds.  Thousands of penguins.  And even worse.  Penguin eggs!  penguin eggs were being threatened by the huge chunks of ice.  Penguins frantically waddled away to safety.  But the eggs!  The eggs.  We had to save the eggs.  Smathers heroically dove in front of a falling chunk of ice and absorbed the full impact but managed to protect several of the precious eggs.  I quickly tweeted a picture. 

Ice chunks continued to fall but, thank Providence!, out of the hundreds of penguin eggs, perhaps only twenty or thirty fell victim to Mother Natures fury.  Some of us became overcome with emotion as we collected the broken shells.  It was so unfair.  Why should these innocent penguin eggs perish because we as a species have not yet done everything possible to stop global warming? Melting glaciers destroying penguin eggs! The guilt, and yes, even rage overwhelmed us.  Smathers was inconsolable.  His cries of agony could be heard for miles.

Tonight’s summer solstice ceremony that we were all looking forward to has just taken on an even deeper meaning.  These penguin eggs, these unborn chicks, will never be forgotten!

Wednesday, December 25 2013

Drat and confound it! The bad luck we have encountered staggers the mind!

My studies have finally revealed the reasons for this completely inexplicable presence of sea ice.  We are all quite right and have been right all along: the ice should not be here.  No doubt about that. But due to the unanticipated confluence of several factors – the pervasive deep low pressure systems, 50 mph winds, the funnelling effect from the ice sheet – we are experiencing a once in a century reconfiguration of thick multi-year sea ice!  No one could have guessed this could happen.

I have just received vital satellite images that confirms what I have been suspecting all along.  A large iceberg known as B09B, calved from the continent and collided in spectacular fashion with the extended tongue of the Mertz Glacier (of all the confounded luck!).  The resulting knock-on effect has filled Commonwealth Bay and completely surrounded us with thick sea ice.

Can you believe the luck?  The very time we come to Antarctica totally expecting open waters and what goes and happens?  The loss of the Mertz Glacier tongue causes a massive reconfiguration of sea ice!  Mother Gaia has played quite a trick on us.  We are completely and hopelessly stuck.

I have, therefore, sent out an SOS.

Friday, December 27 2013

Three different ice breakers are slowly but surely making their ways toward us.  

Despite the incredibly adverse conditions, morale remains incredibly high.

But as conditions deteriorate will we be able to cope?

Wednesday, January 1 2014

The situation is very bleak indeed.  Half of us are too weak to even get out of bed, Peacock doing the best he can with the meagre supplies at his disposal.  Oates unable even to open his eyes.  Bowers continues to vomit uncontrollably. Wilson lies completely motionless, the slightest sound causing him unspeakable pain.  I found Evans unconscious outside his cabin, he unable to summon the strength even to reach shelter.  Dear Lord.  Had I only known that such wide spread suffering could have been prevented!  By God!  Mark my words!  Next year’s New Years Eve party will have strict limits on alcohol consumption.

Friday, January 3 2014

I am trying to see the silver lining.  But it’s difficult.

Helicopters are on the way and we will soon be airlifted to safety.  The immediate danger is over.  The helicopter ride should be fun.  And I hope I can get a picture of me in the helicopter for my Facebook page.

But I can’t deny that some real damage has occurred.  The plight of our expedition has become well known to the entire world and right on cue all of the denialist bloggers out there are having great sport with our predicament.

And no matter how many times I try to explain that we are not trapped in new ice, that we are trapped in OLD ICE, they refuse to listen.  The satellite images prove it beyond a doubt.  And I have ice cores galore to show them.  In fact, one ice core is eight feet long.  What more proof do you need?  I just hope I can get it on the helicopter.

This is always the problem dealing with climate change deniers.  No matter how much you explain.  No matter how much proof you provide.  IT’S NEVER ENOUGH!!

We are not trapped in NEW ice!  None of this is our fault.  The computer models are all perfectly correct.  Why can’t they understand about the iceberg colliding with the Mertz glacier tongue?  Don’t they know that sometimes old ice can reconfigure? 

This is what I’m always faced with.  I’m sick of it. The planet continues to get warmer.  End of story. So we got stuck in the ice.  Big deal.  If anything, our expedition is even more proof that the Earth is getting warmer. Why won't the denialists listen? I've done all I can.  I can’t deal with these idiots anymore.

It seems a pity, but I do not think I can write more.