(Somewhere in the Constantine Palace)
V: There is one very special piece of wisdom that has served
me well for many years. My grandfather,
Spiridon Ivanovich, would always tell me that when dealing with an adversary,
no matter how imbecilic he may be, never forget that the adversary can still be
useful to you. Always resist the urge to
knock him out with one punch to the jaw, no matter how tempting the act may
be. The fist is a delicate thing and may
yet suffer damage even whilst delivering the fatal blow. Instead, employ simple psychology in order to
achieve your goals. Remember, most men are trained
to restrain themselves in the face of, even the most extreme provocation. They will never fight. If your adversary is
easily swayed by emotion, resist the natural urge to use logic when seeking
common ground. Study your opponent. Know their weaknesses. A narcissist is easily manipulated. Praise
them and leave them their dignity and you will always get what you want. Like our friend out there. Watch.
He’ll leave with his dignity but also with an empty sack. And it may eventually dawn on him, as another
very wise man once said, that if you leave with your dignity and an empty sack
all you really have ... is the sack.
I: You’re not going
to let him launch an attack are you?
V: Now is not the time to punch him in the face. That will
come later. Watch. He’ll leave here with two things. His dignity.
And an empty sack.
Send them in.
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B: There is one thing I know that has served me well for
many years. If I have a chance to
explain things, to work through the details with someone, to explain the ins
and outs of something, the other guy will always come around to my way of
thinking. That’s how things work. That’s
been my experience my entire life. The only
exception is if you’re dealing with someone who, flat out, doesn't want to get along. They have ulterior motives. Or maybe they’re racist.
I deal with these folks all day long. I won’t kid you, it’s tough. But I
have a chance here to explain to him that children are dying. There’s someone gassing his own people! What if it was your child being
gassed? Just use logic. We can send a signal that gassing children
should never be tolerated. Period. End of story.
Surely he should be able to understand that.
R: So, you’re going to launch the attack?
B: Watch. I know exactly how to handle this. I got the
idea during the plane ride over here. It’s
called negotiation. We can talk this
thing through.
Hey, looks like they’re ready for us.
________________________________________________________________________________
V: Welcome.
Welcome. I’m so glad you were able to
make it today. I hope that our hospitality has been acceptable. I can see how very fit you are! I understand that you’re quite a sportsman!
B: Why thank you.
Yes. It’s very important to stay fit you
know. And, yes, quite a lot of people
call me a sportsman! I’m told I’m a
very good basketball player. I
golf, too. As
often as I can. And I really enjoy
riding a bike. You can’t imagine the
burn you get when you peddle up a steep hill.
There’s nothing like it. Do they
have you on any fitness regime?
V: Oh not really. I
was in the military for a while and as you may know, they’re pretty big on
fitness. I do a little
judo. I do
what I can. But nothing like you. Maybe one day I’ll try golf.
B: Well it’s a tough game.
But go for it. You never know
what you can do till you try something.
V: Indeed.
B: Anyways. There’s
two pretty big issues that are causing a lot of folks a lot of concern. And if you just give me a minute to explain
everything, I think you’ll agree that what I’m saying is true and that we can
solve both problems.
V: I’ll certainly do whatever I can. I presume you’re taking about the Syria issue.
B: Yes, but not just
that. Once we’re done here I have a
pretty big meeting with a
coalition of gay activists. We’re all pretty upset about
Russia’s stance
on gay rights. And this is all really
hurting
Russia’s
image around the world, and, what with the Olympics coming up, well, you can
see there’s a real chance that gay athletes will be facing discrimination. And no one wants that, right? I was thinking. Since this is such a big
issue, and it’s an issue that, believe me, I have personally taken to heart, I
was thinking that if you’re not doing anything, you should join me at the gay
rights coalition meeting. It would be a great chance for you to reassure folks
that you’re not denying anyone’s rights and that this was all a big
misunderstanding. So, how about it?
V: Well, it’s a good idea.
But my schedule is full, you see. I’m meeting with the Board of Directors of
Gazprom. We have our hands full with our
network of gas pipelines, one of which happens to go through
Syria..
B: Pipeline? Through Syria? No. No.
You don’t want to do that. Syria has just
gassed to death 426 children. Look at
these pictures. They don’t show all 426
but, look, you can’t have someone gassing kids.
You just can’t. Why are you
friends with Assad anyway? It looks
really bad. It sends a bad signal to the
world. Assad is a bad character period. Take my advice. Stop being friends with Assad and I promise
you, the entire world will thank you for it.
V: Well, it’s like this.
We both, you and I, have to look after our own national interests. The pipeline through
Syria, not to mention our Tartus port, are part
of a plan to ensure
Russia’s
economic security for years to come. We
need that pipeline. We need that port. That’s why I’m friends with al-Assad. Being friends with al-Assad makes
Russia a
stronger country. Simple as that. And,
you have national interests as well. I’m
sure you've made a lot of promises to a lot of important people that you would
pressure me to change our laws regarding gay rights. You have that big meeting later. Your
reputation as President of the
United
States is at stake. I understand that. And even though
Russia’s new
laws passed in Parliament have been terribly distorted in the media, I am more than prepared
to make some concessions. Concessions
that you will be able to take credit for.
B: Well, great. So
that leaves the Syria
thing. I've made lots of promises. I've moved a bunch of boats into place. Everything is set to go. We are going ahead with this. If attacking Syria stops even one child from
being gassed to death then it will all be worth it. I’ll be right up front with you. We have a
list of targets. It will be a three day
bombing campaign. It will be
thorough. And it will in two weeks. I won’t tell you which day though.
V: (sighs) I see.
Well, you are putting us, all of us, in a very, very difficult position. You may not know this but Russia and Syria have a long standing mutual defense
pact. I should mention Iran is part of it as well. Our hands will be tied. Russia is obligated to defend Syria. So is Iran. Any decision to retaliate to an attack on Syria is now completely
out of our hands. The treaty comes into
affect. Let me tell you what WILL happen
in response to a missile attack on Damascus. There will certainly be a response. An emphatic response. A response that could make your missile
attack the worst blunder in military history.
Believe me, it pains me to say all of this, you seem like a perfectly
decent fellow, but I am simply stating fact, The response will be swift and
will greatly exceed the magnitude of any
missiles fired at Damascus.
Nothing will be off the table for us.
Nothing. Think of the worst thing that could happen. You see, the purpose of our mutual defense
pact is to deter any future first strikes aimed at us. The deterrence must be severe, emphatic and
absolute. It has to be. Otherwise why do it in the first place? The intent of the mutual defense pact is
simple. To eliminate the possibility of
future acts of aggression through an overwhelming and unmistakable
counterattack. It is intended to keep
the peace by making an act of war a very, very bad idea.
B: ……..uh, notwithstanding all of that, you, uh, need to
remember that Syria
has crossed a red line. Not my red line,
you understand, but the worlds red line.
That calls for a very strong signal
to the Assad regime is the only possi-
V: Please, my friend, I am not unaware of the political
realities that exist.
(hands over a piece of paper)
Please, here is a list of targets you will use. Feel free to begin a two day missile barrage
on the indicated date at these targets only.
After the two days, go ahead and declare that the al-Assad regime has had
its chemical weapons stockpile severely degraded. No one will contradict you, I promise. There will be no military response from
us. Or Iran. And I also personally guarantee that the Syrian
regime will not gas any more children as long as you are President of the United States. We
have both achieved our goals then. Russia keeps
its gas pipeline. America sends a powerful signal to the al-Assad
regime.
B: ….
V: And as for your meeting with the Gay Rights Advocates and
the concessions I’m prepared to make. I have very good news. You may go ahead and tell them that Russia
has softened its stance. Any gay athlete
who wins a medal may go ahead and raise a rainbow flag while on the podium as
an act of solidarity with kindred spirits all over the world. There will be no arrests, no
repercussions of any kind. It will be a
great signal and a clear victory for you and your advocates.
B: …..
V: Now, please
forgive me. I am late for my meeting
with Gazprom. And after that I’m meeting
with Dilma, Xi and Manmohan. Nothing
that would interest you, I don’t think.
And, of course, you have that big meeting with your gay advocate friends.
B:……
______________________________________________________________________________
B: That was easy. I
knew he’d listen to reason. OK, get a
speech ready for me. Assad is going to
get a signal he’ll never forget. I
always back up what I say! Now everyone will see the real me! Tell John that I have all new targets. Better targets.
And, Reggie, wait until you hear the news I have for gay
athletes at the next Olympics. I can’t
wait to tell everyone.
______________________________________________________________________________
V: Dear Lord. What an
imbecile. But as my grandfather said, he
may turn out to be useful yet. Too bad
he only has three years left. The knock
out punch will come. There’s no doubt
about that.
Hmmmm. Hey, Ivan,
send a thank you note. Thank him for all
his great advice. Yada. Yada. Yada. And remind him that there's really no problem getting a
third term if he wants. Just do what I did, change
the law.
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