The President Works it Out

June 4 2014

Warsaw Poland

The Marriott Hotel Gym

Barack:   uh……twooo…..thrreeee………four.  Whew.  That was tough.  Geez, I could use a cigarette. Where’s Reggie anyhow?  He was supposed to be my spotter.  I’m already moving up to the heavier weights.  He’s supposed to be here to watch my form.

(Reggie comes hustling into the work out area)

Reggie:  Hey, there he is!  Wow!  Are those the two pound barbells?  Last time you were using the one pounders- the ones you found in the Zumba room.  You’ve already doubled what you can lift?  Amazing.

Barack:  Yeah, well.  You’d never think I haven’t lifted weights before, would you?  Hey, I just got a great idea.  Why don’t you grab your phone and take a video of me pumping iron?  You know, show me really working the old weights.  Then post it on You-tube.

Reggie:  Yeah.

Barack:  Everyone will see that I’m good at lifting weights.

Reggie:  Ok!  Hey, grab those five pounders.  That will really imp—

Barack:  Uhhhhh.  Ahggghhhhh.

Reggie:  Never mind.  It’s ok.  Go back to the two pounders.  Now.  Really work it.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Great.  Got it.  Good idea.  I’ll post the video tonight and by tomorrow everyone will know how strong you are.  Ha.  I wonder what Putin will think of it?

Barack:  Yeah.  He’s always showing off with his judo or whatever. Time to turn the tables on him.  Haha.  I don’t know why he thinks he’s so tough anyway.  I’m just as tough as him, right?

Reggie:  Tougher even.

Barack:  Right.

Reggie: By the way, congratulations on the whole Bergdahl thing.  I have no idea how you managed to pull that off.  Just another part of the Obama legacy.

Barack: Thanks.  Uhhh, well, what you need to remember is what makes these things tough is who you’re dealing with.  I mean, these people are zealots.  They’re crazy.  You cannot reason with them.  They are so filled with hate, it’s unbelievable.

Reggie: Yeah, well that’s Congress for you.

Barack: So, I didn't even bother telling them.  I just went ahead and cut my own deal with the Taliban.

Reggie: Smart.

Barack: Right. So I do all this and get the POW back, so are the Republicans happy?  Ha.  What do you think? Now they’re complaining that this guy is some kind of bad apple and I should have just left him over there.

Reggie:  Is he a bad apple?

Barack: What?  No! What are you talking about? He served with honor and distinction.  But. you know what I did before all this just to make sure?  I had my Secretary of State, John Kerry himself, do a thorough investigation of this Bergdahl guy and give me a full report.

Reggie: Smart, as usual.

Barack: And what happens?  Kerry comes back with the most glowing report you could ever imagine.  I mean, this guy was the greatest soldier ever.  And an even better human being.  Kerry even said that he couldn’t find a single fault with anything that Bergdahl did,  He even said Bergdahl reminded him of himself when he was in the army.

Reggie:  Wow.  So there you go.

Barack:  The Republicans just hate me.  Doesn't matter what I do.  Rescue a POW. And they still nit pick.  Uh, I gotta do a few more reps here.  Hey, help me out here with my alignment.  Yeah.  That feels better.  I gotta add a bit of muscle. I was trying to move a chair last week and I couldn't budge it.  It was like it was bolted to the ground.  So Michelle grabs it with one hand and flings it across the room.

Reggie: ….

Barack:  I thought she was going to fling me next. So she gave me that look and said I better bulk up.

Reggie:  She doesn't know I’m helping you, does she?

Barack: What?  Of course not.

Reggie: So how’d it go with that Polish Prime Minister guy last night?

Barack:  He doesn't listen.  He kept harping on the same old thing.

Reggie: What?  He’s still going on about how you cancelled Bush’s stupid missile defense system? He’s not over that yet?  Dude, that was like five years ago.

Barack: Exactly.  He kept going on and on about it.  And then he kept bringing up uh, Cri..Crimaria, I mean Crimea, I think, and Ukraine. He’s all mad that I cancelled his missile system.  And he’s saying all this stuff about Putin.   He seems to think that all this stuff is related.

Reggie:  And its not.

Barack:  No.   One has nothing to do with another.  Not even a smidgen.  I explained exactly why I cancelled the missile defense system and why Poland doesn't even need it anyway.

Reggie: What did you tell him?

Barack:  First of all I told him the obvious.  This whole missile defense thingy is Bush’s idea so that means only one thing – it’s stupid. Putin even told me that if I scrapped the thing he’d owe me a favor.  So, right off the bat I’m turning Russia from an enemy into a friend!  Smart, eh?

Reggie: But he kept going on about Crimea and Ukraine?

Barack: That’s what I mean.  See.  Putin has made a big mistake with all this invading and, believe me, he won’t do it again.  Look how upset everyone is at him now.  Watch.  At the G8, well the G7 now, (chortle) no one will even talk to him.  He knows he messed up.  I explained all this to him over the phone, Poland has nothing to worry about.  They don’t need a missile defense system.  Why are they being such babies?  The Cold War is over.  Remember that.

Reggie:  Sounds like you've explained everything perfectly.  You’re really on a roll.

Barack:  You can say that again. And you ain't seen nothing yet.  You think getting Bergdahl back was a good move? I've got lots more ideas just as good as that.  You just watch.  You know, I finally realized that there’s no point trying to work with Congress.  They automatically oppose anything I try to do.  So screw them.  Who needs them anyway?  They’re just dead weight.

Reggie:  You can say that again.  So what’s next?  You’ve already done so much.  Obamacare is working out great.  The economy is booming.  You’ve ended two wars.  Looks like Iraq is better than ever.  What could possibly be next?

Barack: Well. I need to get Gitmo completely shut down. Which I’ll easily do.  But the most important thing I need to do to completely cement my legacy is to stop climate change.  I have about two and half years to go. That’s more than enough time for me to figure out how to get the climate back to normal.  Shouldn't be a problem.

Reggie:  Sounds good.

Barack: And. I just got another idea today!  I saw where some city doubled the minimum wage to $15 an hour.  Naturally the Republicans went crazy.  They like it when folks stay poor,  They couldn't care less about them.  So anyway, I got to thinking.  Why stop at $15? So.  I’m going to sign an Executive Order to raise the minimum wage to $25 an hour!  That will completely eliminate poverty once and for all.  Easy peasy.

Reggie: uh….

Barack:  Naturally the Republicans will try to stop me.  They hate it whenever I try to eliminate poverty.  But here’s the best part.

Reggie:  What?

Barack: Only registered Democrats will qualify for the $25 minimum wage.  Republicans will be out of luck.  Hahaha.

Reggie:  Can you do that?

 Barack:  Who’s going to stop me?

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