Discussing Obamacare

(In the Faculty Lounge)

Rob:  Did you see this? Hilarious.  Some poor sap in California had to get new insurance because of Obamacare and his rates have gone way up.  Geez.  Who could have seen that coming?

Anyway, listen to what he said. And I quote: “Of course, I want people to have health care.  I just didn't realize I would be the one who was going to pay for it personally”. 

Priceless. Premiums are higher with Obamacare?  What a shocker.  What universe do you have to live in to not realize that someone’s gonna have to pay for all this? It’s mind boggling.

Prof C: What is it with you Republicans?  Are you so filled with hate that you can’t see what’s going on here?

Rob: …huh?

Prof C: It’s the insurance companies.  Any chance they get, they’re going to gouge you, right?  That’s what they do.  This is a perfect chance for them to jack up premiums and blame it all on Obamacare! Same old shit.  Every time.

Rob: Um, it says here that rates have to go up because of all these new government requirements. 

Prof C: Holy Cow! Of course rates are going to go up for some people. But they’re going to go down for some other people!  That’s how this works. People who can afford to pay make up for those who can’t afford to pay.  What?  You were glad so many people didn't have insurance?  Well. Obamacare will finally fix all that. I’m sorry if that upsets you.  I've never understood what’s with you Republicans.  You guys are actually happy when people can’t afford decent medical care!

Rob: Whoa, slow down there cowboy.  Take a breath. All I’m saying is that people are suddenly realizing that their health care premiums are skyrocketing.  Here, look at this.  And we were told that everyone’s premiums were going to come down with Obamacare.  Come down.  Not go way up.

Prof C:  Who?  Who said everyone’s premiums were going to go down?  Nice try.  No one said that.  Who would say that?

Rob: Obama said it, that’s who. 

Prof C: Bullshit.

Rob:  Did you sleep through the entire 2008 Presidential Campaign?  You couldn't turn on the TV without Obama making some wild promise about Obamacare.  That was his big issue. Remember? He was saying anything.  And the one thing he kept saying over and over was, and I remember this clearly, because only an idiot would believe it, was every single family would see their health care premium fall by $2,500.  $2,500! He kept saying it.  He sounded like a fricken aluminum siding salesman.  Keep repeating something, no matter how preposterous, and, I guess, people start to believe it.

Prof C:  Obama never said anything like that.  Not even close.  Why do you have to lie?  Why do I even bother trying to discuss something like this, when you can’t even keep your facts straight? 

Rob: What are you talking about?

Prof C:  Have you ever heard of Harvard University?

Rob:  I've heard of Harvard.

Prof C: Well, you might want to do a search on Professor David Cutler.  C-U-T-L-E-R.  He produced the comprehensive economic study on Obamacare.  He actually knows what he’s talking about.  He’s from Harvard.  The study was called “The Two Trillion Dollar Solution”.

Rob (looks at his iPOD) It says here that this Cutler guy works for the Obama administration now.

Prof C: And the study was co-written by another brilliant economist, Melinda Beeuwkes Buntin. Doesn’t get any better than that.

Rob (looks at his iPOD): It says here she’s a pretty big donor to the democratic campaign.  And what’s this?  You gotta be kidding me.  She was on the CBO that scored Obamacare? 

Prof C: Anything Obama says about Obamacare is backed up 100% by Cutlers study.  It explains exactly how health costs are going to come down because of Obamacare.  That’s down.  Got that?  D-O-W-N. Down.  He explains how things like technology, creating insurance exchanges, and using smart incentives will bring down costs by $200 billion a year.  In ten years that’s two trillion. It’s all in the report.  I suggest you read the report before you start making wild accusations.

Rob: I think I will. I could use another laugh.  Obamacare is going to save $200 billion a year?  Impossible.  Who in the world could believe that?  I guess that poor sap from California believed it.  Heh heh.

Prof C:  Look, you’re a what?  A plumber or something?

Rob:  I own a plumbing company.

Prof C: Let me explain.  $200 Billion a year of total health care savings works out to a savings of $2500 each year for each and every family in America?  How’s that for starters?  And it’s all explained in detail in Cutler’s report. New technology, smarter incentives, and lots more. It’s all there.  He’s from Harvard, remember.  No one is saying premiums will come down by $2500.  Obama was trying to explain the savings to society from Obamacare.  The savings.  $200 billion a year.  Now do you get it? Obama’s not trying to mislead anyone.  You just hate Obama, don’t you?

Rob:  I better get going now. I’m sure I have something better to do.

Prof C: Next time, know what you’re talking about before you start shooting off your mouth about something you don’t know anything about.  Just a little advice.

________________________________________________________________________________

(That night at home Rob reads “The Two Trillion DollarSolution - Saving money by modernizing the health care system”)

Rob: Hard to believe this is taken seriously.  Why stop at two trillion? Why not five trillion?  God help us.

________________________________________________________________________________ 

(That night at home Prof C stumbles across this video)

Prof C: Obviously doctored.  Probably a good idea to get Youtube to delete it though.  But who cares,  Obamacare’s here.  And that’s what’s important.

________________________________________________________________________

Grilled at a State Dinner

Handler:  OK.  We’re all set.  You’ll be great.  You show up.  No one will be expecting you. Everyone will clap and cheer.   Just read what’s on the teleprompter.  No ad libbing at this event.   It’s a friendly crowd so you’ll be fine.   And it’s for a great cause.  There won’t be any questions.  Read the speech.  Have some fun.  And then get out of there.  Remember, don’t take any questions. You haven’t been briefed.  Stick with the prepared statements. 

President (to himself):  Geez.  Relax.  I’m the President.  I’m pretty sure I can handle this crowd.  What’s wrong with taking a question or two?

President (out loud):  OK.  OK.  No questions.  Stick to the prepared stuff.

Handler (out loud): Fantastic!  Who’s the man?  You’re the man!! 

Handler (to himself) Please God, don’t let him screw this up…..

The remarks go well.  The event is a great success.  The President is walking off the stage when suddenly someone shouts a question to him!

President (to himself):  Uh oh.  A question! They made me promise not to take any questions.  I haven’t been briefed. Why does this always happen?  And why is he asking a question anyway? Maybe we need to start restricting attendance at these things.  What should I do? Hey, waitaminnit, I’m the President.  I can handle this.  I just need to buy some time.

President (out loud):  I didn't quite get that.  Could you repeat the question?

President (to himself): Ha!

An eight year old boy repeats the question.

Little Boy: What’s your favorite food?

President: (to himself) Jesus. What’s my favorite food?  Is the kid trying to trip me up?  Christ.  What do I say?  Michelle’s standing right there! I hate these kinds of questions.

I remember when I told that magazine my favorite foods were chili, French Fries and pork chops.  Michelle nearly killed me.  Well I sure can’t say that again.

And the media was all over me that time at the Iowa State Fair.  Everyone told me to say I liked the Pork Chop on a Stick with a beer.  But I blurted out my favorite food was Pork Chops and beer.  Big deal that I forgot the “on the stick” part.  And big deal that I've never had pork chops and beer in my life.  Who has?  And then I even get ripped for eating it with a knife and fork.  Sometimes you can’t win.  So I've got to be really, really careful with this question.

And this is Michelle’s event.  I've got to say the right thing.  Let me see.  This is a “healthy recipe contest for kids”.  Hmmm. What was the winning recipe again? A Brussels sprout wrap, right? OK.  THAT’s my favorite food then.  Brussels Sprout Wraps!

But I can’t say that.  I hate Brussels sprouts.

Uh, everyone’s waiting for me to say something.  What’s my favorite food? Jesus. What do I say?  I sure can’t say arugula, can I? Heh heh. Mutura? Bolang-baling?  I ate dog once. That was pretty good. Hmmm  But I better not say that.  Man oh man. Why wasn't I briefed?  I’m going to kill someone.

OK. I got this.  I’m the President.  This is a roomful of kids.  This is a once in a lifetime chance for them to hear directly from the President.  They will remember the answer to this question for the rest of their lives.  What’s my favorite food? Geez. Not a straightforward question at all.  There are so many variables to take into account.  I can’t tell them any of my real favorite foods, that’s for sure.  Michelle would kill me.  And my answer has to be something really smart.  Something a President would say!

Hey, what’s this on the lectern?  Holy Cow.  What luck.  It’s a menu from Michelle’s National School Lunch Program! I’ll just take something off the menu and pretend it's my favorite food!

Lets see….Rutabaga Potato Mash….Bean and Kale Ragu…..Roasted Fennel.  What the…?  Beet and Shallot Smoothie.  I've never even heard of any of this stuff…

What’s your favorite food?

President (to himself):  Potato Leek Gratin…..Baked Kale Chips….What do I do?  What do I do?  Parsnip Puree….who’s supposed to eat this stuff?  Broccoli Couscous.  Broccoli!  I've heard of broccoli!

What’s your favorite food???

President (to himself): I hate broccoli though. Everyone hates broccoli. But it’s on Michelle’s menu.  Roasted Yucca Fries…..Mung Bean Crepes….Good Lord.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FOOD????

Obama (out loud): BROCCOLI! That’s my favorite food.

(Silence)

Little Boy (to himself): Did he just say broccoli? Geez, he must really think we’re stupid…………

____________________________________________________________

An Unexpected Meeting at the G20

(Somewhere in the Constantine Palace)

V: There is one very special piece of wisdom that has served me well for many years.  My grandfather, Spiridon Ivanovich, would always tell me that when dealing with an adversary, no matter how imbecilic he may be, never forget that the adversary can still be useful to you.  Always resist the urge to knock him out with one punch to the jaw, no matter how tempting the act may be.  The fist is a delicate thing and may yet suffer damage even whilst delivering the fatal blow.  Instead, employ simple psychology in order to achieve your goals.  Remember, most men are trained to restrain themselves in the face of, even the most extreme provocation.  They will never fight. If your adversary is easily swayed by emotion, resist the natural urge to use logic when seeking common ground.  Study your opponent.  Know their weaknesses.  A narcissist is easily manipulated. Praise them and leave them their dignity and you will always get what you want.  Like our friend out there.  Watch.  He’ll leave with his dignity but also with an empty sack.  And it may eventually dawn on him, as another very wise man once said, that if you leave with your dignity and an empty sack all you really have ... is the sack.

I:  You’re not going to let him launch an attack are you?

V: Now is not the time to punch him in the face. That will come later. Watch. He’ll leave here with two things.  His dignity.  And an empty sack.

Send them in.

 ________________________________________________________________________________

B: There is one thing I know that has served me well for many years.  If I have a chance to explain things, to work through the details with someone, to explain the ins and outs of something, the other guy will always come around to my way of thinking.  That’s how things work. That’s been my experience my entire life.  The only exception is if you’re dealing with someone who, flat out, doesn't want to get along.  They have ulterior motives.  Or maybe they’re  racist.  I deal with these folks all day long. I won’t kid you, it’s tough. But I have a chance here to explain to him that children are dying.  There’s someone gassing his own people!   What if it was your child being gassed?    Just use logic.  We can send a signal that gassing children should never be tolerated.  Period.  End of story.  Surely he should be able to understand that.

R: So, you’re going to launch the attack?

B: Watch.  I know exactly how to handle this.  I got the idea during the plane ride over here.  It’s called negotiation.  We can talk this thing through. 

Hey, looks like they’re ready for us.

 ________________________________________________________________________________

V:   Welcome. Welcome.  I’m so glad you were able to make it today. I hope that our hospitality has been acceptable.   I can see how very fit you are!  I understand that you’re quite a sportsman!

B:  Why thank you. Yes.  It’s very important to stay fit you know.  And, yes, quite a lot of people call me a sportsman!  I’m told I’m a very good basketball player. I golf, too.  As often as I can.  And I really enjoy riding a bike.  You can’t imagine the burn you get when you peddle up a steep hill.  There’s nothing like it.  Do they have you on any fitness regime?

V: Oh not really.  I was in the military for a while and as you may know, they’re pretty big on fitness.  I do a little judo.  I do what I can.  But nothing like you.  Maybe one day I’ll try golf.

B: Well it’s a tough game.  But go for it.  You never know what you can do till you try something.

V: Indeed.

B: Anyways.  There’s two pretty big issues that are causing a lot of folks a lot of concern.  And if you just give me a minute to explain everything, I think you’ll agree that what I’m saying is true and that we can solve both problems.

V: I’ll certainly do whatever I can.  I presume you’re taking about the Syria issue.

B:  Yes, but not just that.  Once we’re done here I have a pretty big meeting with a coalition of gay activists.  We’re all pretty upset about Russia’s stance on gay rights.  And this is all really hurting Russia’s image around the world, and, what with the Olympics coming up, well, you can see there’s a real chance that gay athletes will be facing discrimination.  And no one wants that, right?  I was thinking. Since this is such a big issue, and it’s an issue that, believe me, I have personally taken to heart, I was thinking that if you’re not doing anything, you should join me at the gay rights coalition meeting. It would be a great chance for you to reassure folks that you’re not denying anyone’s rights and that this was all a big misunderstanding.  So, how about it?

V: Well, it’s a good idea.  But my schedule is full, you see.  I’m meeting with the Board of Directors of Gazprom.  We have our hands full with our network of gas pipelines, one of which happens to go through Syria..

B: Pipeline?  Through Syria?  No. No.  You don’t want to do that.  Syria has just gassed to death 426 children.  Look at these pictures.  They don’t show all 426 but, look, you can’t have someone gassing kids.  You just can’t.  Why are you friends with Assad anyway?  It looks really bad.  It sends a bad signal to the world.  Assad is a bad character period.  Take my advice.  Stop being friends with Assad and I promise you, the entire world will thank you for it.

V: Well, it’s like this.  We both, you and I, have to look after our own national interests.  The pipeline through Syria, not to mention our Tartus port, are part of a plan to ensure Russia’s economic security for years to come.  We need that pipeline.  We need that port.  That’s why I’m friends with al-Assad.  Being friends with al-Assad makes Russia a stronger country. Simple as that.  And, you have national interests as well.  I’m sure you've made a lot of promises to a lot of important people that you would pressure me to change our laws regarding gay rights.  You have that big meeting later. Your reputation as President of the United States is at stake.  I understand that.  And even though  Russia’s new laws passed in Parliament have been terribly distorted in the media, I am more than prepared to make some concessions.  Concessions that you will be able to take credit for.

B: Well, great.  So that leaves the Syria thing.  I've made lots of promises.  I've moved a bunch of boats into place.  Everything is set to go.  We are going ahead with this.  If attacking Syria stops even one child from being gassed to death then it will all be worth it.  I’ll be right up front with you. We have a list of targets.  It will be a three day bombing campaign.  It will be thorough.  And it will in two weeks.  I won’t tell you which day though.

V: (sighs) I see.  Well, you are putting us, all of us, in a very, very difficult position.  You may not know this but Russia and Syria have a long standing mutual defense pact.  I should mention Iran is part of it as well.  Our hands will be tied. Russia is obligated to defend Syria. So is Iran.  Any decision to retaliate to an attack on Syria is now completely out of our hands.  The treaty comes into affect.  Let me tell you what WILL happen in response to a missile attack on Damascus.  There will certainly be a response.  An emphatic response.  A response that could make your missile attack the worst blunder in military history.  Believe me, it pains me to say all of this, you seem like a perfectly decent fellow, but I am simply stating fact, The response will be swift and will greatly exceed  the magnitude of any missiles fired at Damascus. Nothing will be off the table for us.  Nothing. Think of the worst thing that could happen.  You see, the purpose of our mutual defense pact is to deter any future first strikes aimed at us.  The deterrence must be severe, emphatic and absolute.  It has to be.  Otherwise why do it in the first place?  The intent of the mutual defense pact is simple.  To eliminate the possibility of future acts of aggression through an overwhelming and unmistakable counterattack.  It is intended to keep the peace by making an act of war a very, very bad idea.

B: ……..uh, notwithstanding all of that, you, uh, need to remember that Syria has crossed a red line.  Not my red line, you understand,  but the worlds red line. That calls for a very strong signal to the Assad regime is the only possi-

V: Please, my friend, I am not unaware of the political realities that exist. 

(hands over a piece of paper)

Please, here is a list of targets you will use.  Feel free to begin a two day missile barrage on the indicated date at these targets only.  After the two days, go ahead and declare that the al-Assad regime has had its chemical weapons stockpile severely degraded.  No one will contradict you, I promise.  There will be no military response from us. Or Iran. And I also personally guarantee that the Syrian regime will not gas any more children as long as you are President of the United States. We have both achieved our goals then.  Russia keeps its gas pipeline.  America sends a powerful signal to the al-Assad regime. 

B: ….

V: And as for your meeting with the Gay Rights Advocates and the concessions I’m prepared to make. I have very good news.  You may go ahead and tell them that Russia has softened its stance.  Any gay athlete who wins a medal may go ahead and raise a rainbow flag while on the podium as an act of solidarity with kindred spirits all over the world. There will be no arrests, no repercussions of any kind.  It will be a great signal and a clear victory for you and your advocates.

B: …..

V: Now, please forgive me.  I am late for my meeting with Gazprom.  And after that I’m meeting with Dilma, Xi and Manmohan.  Nothing that would interest you, I don’t think.  And, of course, you have that big meeting with your gay advocate friends.

B:……

______________________________________________________________________________

B: That was easy.  I knew he’d listen to reason.  OK, get a speech ready for me.  Assad is going to get a signal he’ll never forget.  I always back up what I say! Now everyone will see the real me!  Tell John that I have all new targets.  Better targets.

And, Reggie, wait until you hear the news I have for gay athletes at the next Olympics.  I can’t wait to tell everyone. 

______________________________________________________________________________

V: Dear Lord.  What an imbecile.  But as my grandfather said, he may turn out to be useful yet.  Too bad he only has three years left.  The knock out punch will come.  There’s no doubt about that. 

Hmmmm.  Hey, Ivan, send a thank you note.  Thank him for all his great advice.  Yada. Yada. Yada.  And remind him that there's really no problem getting a third term if he wants.  Just do what I did, change the law.  


______________________________________________________________________________

Fakegate or A Bleak Leak From Gleick

Jan 13 2012

(Peter Gleick in his office)

Gleick: What idiots!! What morons!! HOW can you have a dialogue with people like this? HOW can you REASON with people who DON'T KNOW ANYTHING?  Idiots.  Morons.

(Rob walks in)

Rob: Whoa there, boss.  It’s Taylor again, isn't it?  What did he do this time?

Gleick: (Calming down) You are not going to believe this. Those assholes at Heartland are trying to get me to be their “entertainment” at some stupid convention they’re having.  Can you believe it? They actually think climate change is funny! Will they be laughing when the last polar bear floats away on an iceberg? What idiots!

Rob: They want you to be their entertainment?

Gleick: Aaahh, they say they want me to “debate” that idiot Taylor. HOW DO THEY EXPECT ME (picks up his MacArthur Genius Award) TO DEBATE SOMEONE WHO KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT CLIMATE SCIENCE??  HOW?? WHAT IDIOTS!!  This Taylor guy is a paid liar. That’s all. I’ll debate a climate scientist any day of the week.  Just name the time and place. But debating someone who DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT is a complete waste of time!!

Rob: So what did you tell them?

Gleick:  It really fricken burns me up.  They try to come across all polite and everything.  What do you think I told them?  I told them to fuck off, of course.  OK, I haven’t replied just yet.  

(Pause)  

Rob: What?

Gleick: Hmmm.  You know something?  I think this might actually be an opportunity. Yes…. Yes. Those idiots at Heartland have absolutely no idea who they are screwing with.  Especially that Taylor guy.  He’s the biggest idiot of all.  You can’t debate a guy like that.  It’s a complete waste of time. There is a consensus on climate change.  A CON-SEN-SUS! End of story. But his head is too fricken thick to get it. He keeps talking about all these meaningless articles from people no ones’s ever heard of.  I don’t even bother reading them.  No one does.  What an idiot.

Rob: You’re right, boss.  You can’t even talk to these guys. Sounds like you have some kind of plan though….

Gleick: (Chuckle) Well, let’s just wait and see what happens.  First, there’s NO WAY I’m going to be someone’s “entertainment”.   But listen, I've been trying like crazy to get Heartland to release their list of donors.  We release the name of every single one of our donors, right?  It’s called transparency, right?  If the deniers at Heartland won’t listen to reason then maybe someone should contact their donors and talk sense to them, right?  Heheheheh.  

Feb 13 2012

Rob: So what happened, boss?

Gleick: Heheheheh.  Well, just like I predicted, the idiots won't release their donor list.

Rob: What did they say?

Gleick: Aahhh, the usual crap about how they’re all worried that their donors would start getting harassed. Why would they even think that?  No one has ever harassed our donors, right?  What babies.  And big deal if douche bags like the Koch brothers have to answer a few questions. Serves them right.

Rob: So, that’s the end of it?

Gleick:  Hehehehheheh. The end of it? Au contraire mon ami.  This is just the beginning.  Mmmmph, chuckle. HAHAHAHA.  You just watch and see what happens next.  Those liars at Heartlessland should never have tried to make me their entertainment.  They have absolutely no idea that they have just screwed themselves. 

(Gleick starts to feverishly type out an e-mail)

Feb 6 2012

Gleick: (to himself) it was so easy.  So, so, easy.  The credulous idiots sent me everything I asked for.  All I had to do was pretend to be a Heartland board member.  HAHAHA.  They didn't even check anything.  The idiots.  And now I have all their confidential board documents in nice neat PDF files!  All their plans.  Their schemes.  And best of all – I HAVE THEIR SECRET DONOR LIST!! Gleick, you genius!  You've DONE IT!

Hmmm.  But now I guess I should read all this stuff.  Might take all day.  There’s quite a lot of stuff.  Why do they have to make all these documents so long?  Who has time to wade through all this bullshit? 

(Gleick starts to read the files)

Holy shit! Look at this!  What assholes.  They’re going to target grade-schoolers with their anti science horseshit.  I can’t believe this.  And it’s all going to be funded by the Koch brothers!  I knew it!  This is gold.  And look at this! It’s all here.  They want to shut down all debate. The fuckers must realize that my Forbes blog makes too much sense.  They want to shut me out!  They think that if they just yell loud enough over and over that people will start to believe their crap!  Well it doesn't work that way!  When will these assholes realize that the SCIENCE IS SETTLED!! SETTLED!! SE – TTLED!!

(Calms down)

Heheheheheh.  Mmmph.  Chortle. Heheheheheh.  I've got it.  I know exactly what I have to do.

(Starts to frantically type something)

Feb 14 2012

(Rob walks into Gleick’s office)

Rob: Boy, I've never seen you so happy.  I guess you've seen what that Heartland Insider guy sent around to everyone.  Looks like Heartland is finally screwed.  Did you see all the stuff that got sent?

Gleick: Mmmph, chortle.  Yeah, you could say that.  Chortle.

It’s karma, my friend.  When you act like a bunch of lying assholes, this is what happens to you.  It’s over for them. Over.  They’re done.  All their schemes, all their secret plans and best of all, their list of secret donors is finally revealed to the world.  They’re done.  And it couldn't happen to a more deserving bunch.  Maybe next time they’ll decide to believe the science.  What is wrong with them anyway? 97% of scientists are with us.  

Rob: 97%.  Wow.

Gleick: It’s actually closer to 98% but it’s better to go with the 97%.  We don’t want anyone to get the idea we’re overstating things.

Rob: Makes sense

Gleick: That Heartland Insider is a hero.  Plain and simple.  A HERO.  Look at this. 

Two days later

(Lawyer in expensive suit enters Gleick’s office.  He gets right to the point.)

Lawyer: OK, you’re going to have to resign and release a statement that you are the “Heartland Insider” and that you obtained the documents from Heartland through illicit means.

Gleick: (SPLUTTER) What are you talking about?  Are you fucking crazy? I didn't do any of those things.  I CAN’T believe you’re going to listen to those Internet loonies.  There is NOT A SHRED OF EVIDENCE that I did any of that stuff.  NOT A FUCKING SHRED! SO FUCK YOU! Yeah, that’s right.  FUCK YOU!

Lawyer:  Listen to me carefully, Gleick, and try to follow along. I’m only going to say this once.  Personally I don’t care about any of this climate change crap.  I don’t care if the Maldives disappear.  I don’t care if Manhattan disappears under 1000 feet of water.  I don’t even care if the entire continent of Antarctica melts and the whole goddamn world gets flooded.  I only care about one thing.  And that “one thing” is making absolutely sure that this organization does not suffer any adverse consequences from any of your screw ups.

Gleick: Now, waitaminnit…

Lawyer: You set up a Gmail account, impersonated a Heartland Board member, obtained confidential documents, wrote your own Heartland "Strategy" document and  publicly disseminated the whole thing.

Gleick:  Let ME be clear. There is no proof whatso-

Lawyer: Just trace the IP address of the e-mails back to the originating computer.

Gleick:  AHA! Gmail doesn't include the original IP address on the e-mail!  I set, I mean The Heartland Insider guy set up a Gmail account so it’s impossible to trace anything.  Let me explain to you -

Lawyer:  The Gmail server keeps a log of all access so there absolutely is a record of the originating computer. It’s just not included in the e-mail.

Gleick: ...

Lawyer: All someone has to do is search all these computers and match the IP address...

Gleick: Ha! They can search our computers till their faces turn blue.  They want to search the computers?  Fine! Let them search the compu-

Lawyer: They’ll also search personal laptops.

Gleick: ...

Lawyer: And the forged “Strategy" document might as well have your picture and signature on it.

Gleick: uh...

Lawyer: You say you got it in the mail?  Did you keep the envelope it came in? No, you didn't.  And, we've done an analysis of the PDF metadata just like the rest of the world already has.  Time stamped Pacific time. Heartland is in Chicago.  Used an Epson scanner, like that one over there,  Also, an OCR analysis.  A Zipf review. Shows whoever wrote it doesn't know how to use commas or brackets.  Uses odd wording. Do you know anyone else around here who doesn't know how to use commas or brackets and uses odd wording?  

Gleick: ....

Lawyer: And this “Strategy" document doesn't even include any strategy.  No letterhead.  No signatory. Nothing.  Just a rehash of details from the actual confidential files.  The only original thing -  it mentions you – Peter Gleick – as the notorious scourge of Heartland.

Gleick:  HA! That’s what I mean.  I couldn't have written it.  There’s no way I'd be dumb enough to use my own name in a document that I was making up!

Lawyer: ...

Gleick: ... right?

Lawyer:  Uh, yeah.  

Now listen to me. We're talking identity theft. Fraud. Forgery. Defamation. Document theft. The list goes on. If all this sticks, you are in some serious trouble. So this is what we’re going to do. We’ll use a “Limited Hangout” approach.  You’ll come clean on stealing the documents.  We've already prepared a press release.  We say the usual stuff about you getting frustrated with Heartland and the only thing you wanted to do was to have an honest dialogue.  We’ll do an internal review saying that everything in the press release has been verified. We won’t mention anything about the Strategy Document. Limited Hangout.  You’ll be reinstated in six months. We’ll get some big names to say how happy they are that you've been fully exonerated. We may have a little trouble getting you reinstated as the chairman of the AGU's task force on ethics though.

Anyway, in six months, with any luck, this whole thing will have blown over.  I've already been in touch with Heartland and advised them that if they have any ideas about launching a civil suit against you we’ll subpoena every e-mail from each and every one of their donors for the last 20 years.  And there’s no way any district attorney in Illinois or California will take any action against a group like us especially against a group like Heartland.  So we don’t need to worry about that.

Gleick:  I’d like to write the press release.

Lawyer:  Pardon? 

Gleick:  I’d like to write the press release.

Lawyer:  (Grimaces) I’m done here. You’re not writing anything.  You write the press release and this whole thing blows up in our face.  Don’t say anything to anybody at anytime for any reason about any of this. You're not even thinking of putting out your own press release, I hope. Let me repeat: Don't do anything.  Don't say anything.  Got it?  If you get any bright ideas about anything, anything at all, do us all a favor and DON'T DO ANYTHING!  Let me handle this. 

Feb 20 2012

(Rob walk into Gleick’s office)

Rob: You’re a genius, boss.  At first I couldn't believe you were the Heartland insider.  No one could.  No one saw it coming at all.   But this sting operation you pulled on Heartland has made you a hero.  Give them a taste of their own medicine.  You gotta fight fire with fire.  We’ll miss you around here but they tell me you’ll be back pretty soon. You've done it!  Heartland has been exposed once and for all.

Gleick:  Um, yes.  Things seem to working out great. Admitting to being the HeartlandInsider was part of the plan all along. 

Um, by the way, can you do me a favor?  Can you toss my scanner and laptop and some of this other junk into the garbage?  I've ordered all new stuff.

Rob: Sure no problem.  I’ll leave it by the elevator so the guy will take it.

Gleick: No! Don’t do that!  I don’t want anyone to know I’m getting new stuff. You know how it is.  Then everyone will want new stuff. Take everything to the dumpster by the construction site near where you live.

Rob: ...

Gleick: And make sure no one sees you. Right?  No need to do anything stupid.

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