IPCC Damage Control

Sept 28 2013

The IPCC has just released its much anticipated “Fifth Assessment Report Summary for Policy Makers”.

An emergency meeting of the IPCC Board of Directors has been called.

Watson: (sigh) Well, I can’t really say I’m surprised.  Sometimes I wonder what more we can do?  Maybe we should all just go on strike.

(He drops an enormous tome onto the conference room table.  It lands with a loud thud, shakes the table, tipping over the coffee cups.)

Watson: Here it is, gentlemen.  "The Summary for Policy Makers".  Over 2000 pages of iron-clad, rock-solid, incontrovertible evidence that proves Climate Change is for real. And, if we don’t do something about Climate Change now, and I mean right now, well, I don’t have to tell any of you what will happen.

Higgans: No, you certainly don’t.  The dire consequences have all been listed out on pages 350 to 1214.  And, remember, this is just the summary.  Wait until the full report comes out.

Watson: My point exactly, Higgans.  2,000 pages.  Over 400 graphs.  800 eminent climate scientists, every single word meticulously peer-reviewed –

Jacobs: Yes, I personally reviewed all of Bimmelman’s stuff –

Bimmelman: And I reviewed all of Jacobs’ stuff.  And, I must say, it was all excellent.

Watson: That’s what I mean.  So, after all this, what happens?  The denialists ignore 1,999 and half pages and jump all over one paragraph on page 1,843.  Something about a pause.  A warming pause.

Higgans: Yeah, what’s that about anyway?  How did that get in there?

Watson: At this point it doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter how it got in there.  What’s done is done.  And, right on cue, the denialists are making a huge deal about this.  We need to get everyone back on message.  Back on to the vital 1,999 and a half pages.  What we CANNOT do, and what we absolutely will NOT do, is even acknowledge the warming pause or whatever the hell they’re talking about.  If we even so much as address this crazy notion of theirs, the denialists will start acting even more crazy like there’re two sides to this!  And there aren't two sides.  There’s only one side. OUR side. The science is settled. 

Higgans: It sure is.

Bimmelman:You can say that again.

Jacobs: Amen, brother.

Smathers: Yeah, how settled can something get?

Watson: So, that is why I have called you all here.  I need ideas, gentlemen. Good ideas.  We need to sharpen our message so that the public can easily understand what we’re saying.  We need to get public opinion off of this pause stuff and back on us! 

Bimmelman: I might have something.  Something we can include in next months Recap of the Summary.  I've been working on this for almost two years.  My grants almost used up but luckily I’m almost finished.  And this is absolute gold.  The denialists think that pouring all this carbon into the atmosphere doesn't do anything? Well, how about a city where the average temperature has TRIPLED, yes tripled, in only the last 20 years. Talk about Global Warming.

Jacobs: What?  You cannot be serious.  Is this true?

Bimmelman: I have everything right here. I've been closely studying a city in southwest Iceland for the past year, Stykkisholmur.  20 years ago the average year round temperature was 1 degree centigrade.  Well, how about this?  Last year, I personally took the temperature every single day at exactly twelve noon, usually when I’m coming home from my daily visit to the Hot Spring.  And you know what I discovered?  The average temperature is now 3 degrees centigrade.  The temperature has tripled!  Can you imagine what will happen when the temperature in Los Angeles triples?  What will the denialists say then?

(silence)

Watson:  I don’t quite know what to say to that, Bimmelman.  Except…..  Congratulations! You've just earned yourself the feature article in next month’s Summary Recap.  Good work!  Any other good ideas?  Anyone?  You. Higgans.

Higgans: Well, you know how last time we said we were 97% sure that Global Warming was for real and that humans are to blame?  And that this time we’re even more sure – 98%.  Well, I propose that for next months key Summary Recap we show how we’re even more surer now.  We bump it up to 99% certainty.  And then for next years BI-Annual Interim Report we go up to ----

Smathers: Hold on. Wait a minute.  We need to be careful here.  I can’t listen to this without saying something.  We don’t want to look ridiculous.  Are we serious scientists or not? We need to report on exactly where the science leads us.

Watson:  You mean?

Smathers: Exactly.  Let’s not equivocate here.  For next months Summary Recap lets just be right up front and go with our guts – 100% certainty!!

Watson:  Hear, hear! Excellent suggestion, Smathers.  I think you've just come up with the theme for next months report.  100% certainty!

Jacobs:  I've been working on a graph to take the place of the Hockey stick graph.

Higgans:  Gasp. You’re kidding?  That hockey stick is a work of genius.  I mean, even the lamest of lamebrains can see how the temperature was flat for a really long time and then quickly moves up when we start pumping all this carbon into the atmosphere.  It’s brilliant.

Jacobs:  But there’s one problem.  The blade of the hockey stick is too gradual.  It’s taking too long to get really hot.  If you go by the hockey stick it might be another 10 years before we see the real serious flooding,  Who can wait that long?  Look, my Dad was an architect.  So instead of a hockey stick, I used one of his tri squares and re-worked the graph completely. It’s flat for a long time and then at the year 2015 it goes straight up at a 90 degree angle! The temperature goes straight up! Voila, we’re all toast.

Watson: Beautiful.  That will be on the front page of all our upcoming press releases. Bimmelman?

Bimmeleman:  You know how the denialists keep saying that even though there’s way more carbon in the atmosphere, the world isn't getting any hotter?

Jacobs: Yeah…

Bimmeleman: Well, I've been working on a theory that just proves how dumb they all are.  And all I need is to get another grant and I’m positive I can make all those idiots eat their words once and for all.

Watson:  Go on.  What’s the theory?

Bimmeleman: Its simplicity itself.  Like all great theories are.  It goes like this.  The climate has been so screwed up by all the carbon that some places are getting hotter but some places are getting colder!  Some places are getting more rain.  And some places getting less!  You see where this is going??  It all cancels out.  On average nothing has been changing lately!!  Just like the denialists keep saying.  But the absence of change is actually the greatest of all proof that climate change is happening like crazy.  If nothing is happening that’s actually more evidence that climate change is realer than ever.

Watson:  Wow.  Just wow. So, if the temperature is staying the same that’s actually the strongest evidence of all that Climate Change is happening right before our eyes!  I’ll get you that grant, Bimmelman.  And with this theory of yours you might just be out next Michael Mann.  Well done.

Smathers:  Remember how we said that it would never snow in England again?

Jacobs:  Yeah.  And then when it snowed a bit the denialists went crazy.

Smathers:  Exactly.  So what are the odds of it snowing again?  Pretty much zero, right?   So, I hereby decree it won’t ever snow in England, for sure this time.  And when I’m proven right, what will they all say then?

Watson:  Sounds good to me.  Put it in an article and we’ll go with it.

Higgans:  I've been working on a coloring book that we can give out at all the schools.  It’s a way to teach kids about the science behind Global Warming so that they can understand what’s at stake and be part of the solution when they grow up.

Watson:  Sounds good…

Higgans:  Yeah, I have Santa Claus on the front cover.  He’s standing in a puddle of water, the Arctic has all melted.  His ice castle is ruined.  The reindeer are all starving because they don’t have any more food. 

Bimmelman:  Well, the kids have to realize that when the Arctic melts there’re going to be real, actual problems.

Higgans:  Precisely.  And then in the book Santa only gives presents to the kids that recycle and the kids that refuse to get into their parents’ gas guzzling SUVS. 

Jacobs:  Those are good life lessons. 

Higgans:  But the kids can really see the damage caused by Climate Change.  In one chapter a kid’s puppy gets washed away by a flash flood.  In another, this kitten dies of thirst because of a drought.  In another…

Watson: Ok.  Sounds good, Get it finished and we’ll get copies to every school that we can.

Smathers: And I've commissioned a poster for the upcoming ad campaign.  It’s a picture of a koala bear clinging to the top of the last eucalyptus tree surrounded by water as far as the eye can see.  It’s a real attention getter.  The caption?  “This Is What Will Happen If We Don’t Do Something About Climate Change”.

Higgans:  Get those posters into the elementary schools as soon as you can.

Bimmelman: I commissioned a poster too.  Mine shows a Category 5 Hurricane, caused by Climate Change of course, completely destroying Disney World and blowing Mickey Mouse clear into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Jacobs:  Powerful

Watson:  Gentlemen, I’m absolutely chuffed by all the brilliant ideas. You've all come through like I knew you would.

(He begins to speak very emotionally)

Although, I sometimes wonder why we do all this.  All the sacrifices we make.  But then, I always remind myself of the reason.  The only reason, really.

 It’s for the children.

 I warn my daughter about the dangers of climate change every single day. The droughts.  The pestilence. The tornados.  The entire planet flooded. And that’s just for starters.

She’s seven years old.  An angel.  But she already knows what the future will be if we don’t stop Climate Change right now.  She even has nightmares now.  Yesterday she came home from school crying.  It was “Environment Day”.  She was in tears, “Daddy”, she said, “What’s going to happen to us?  Why won’t anyone listen?  The planet is dying.  And no one cares”. 

It was so sad.  Seven years old.  And she basically has no future to look forward to unless......... the denialists start to change their ways.  

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